Even when I was a kid, I was never afraid to follow my heart. My first serious "boyfriend" had my heart in seventh grade, and we dated on and off for three years. After he moved to another school and we split up, I moved on from relationship to relationship. I never dated, ever. I ended up with people because they were typically good friends first, and those friendships morphed into more.
I've never had a guy ask me for my number and call me to ask me out, because I've never given anyone my number. And yet, now that's the world I'm facing.
I don't want to date. I miss the notion of being married. I miss the comfort of a stable relationship. I miss coming home at night, knowing that you have "your person," who's able to connect with you on your day. To share a laugh with. To snuggle up with. To just be with. And that's gone.
And interestingly, I have no desire to get remarried. Even though it's ending in divorce, I think I had a pretty successful marriage. I had 17 years with a man I loved, and we are raising two amazing kids. And we are managing to do it fairly well together, even though we are apart. Because I had that, I have no desire for a marital "do-over." I do, however, wish for a relationship upgrade. I would love to find someone to share my life who is compatible with the 2013 version of me - not the 1995 version. That person has changed and grown up significantly.
It's hard to watch the person you were with for so long move on so quickly. But I guess we all have our process, and mine is different. So I'm trying to move on too. And I will be honest, it's really hard. Way harder than I anticipated. When I was married, I didn't sit around fantasizing about being with other men. But I did think, "Wouldn't it be awesome if you could recapture the magic of a first kiss?" That incredible feeling when everything is so new, and you can't help but get excited? Well, now I get the chance to actually do that, it's not so great. Don't get me wrong - I'm having some fun for certain. But the thought of putting my heart out there again, that scares me beyond belief.
I work with a younger group of people. Many of them are late 20's/early 30's, and just contemplating marriage. A number of them have asked me questions about my own, and asked for words of wisdom. Interestingly, most of them have been men. It's so intriguing to me, that while the women seem so focused on meeting "the one" and the planning a fairy tale wedding, the guys are fixated on what comes after. The real stuff, like keeping it alive a few years into it. Frankly, I think the guys are smart to be thinking about it. A beautiful wedding and a great party are the easy part - it's keeping things fresh, growing together and keeping yourselves connected as a couple once the kids arrive that makes marriage real work.
And now here I sit, on the "scene." I'm not doing it the 2013 version of the traditional way - meeting people in bars, or online. In fact, I'm not doing much of anything, because it's not a priority. I've been spending time with someone really interesting, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't scare the hell out of me. There's so many factors now to consider, it's not nearly as carefree as a married person would like to imagine if they got the proverbial hall pass.
One thing is for sure though. I've taken risks - measured, calculated risks, my whole life. Many of those risks were the result of walking through an unexpected open door, and finding something pretty interesting on the other side. And sometimes, I just found an empty closet. But you never know unless you take that risk and open it.
So, with hand on the doorknob, I'm ready for this next stage of my life. And while I don't aspire to ever remarry, I sure hope to find someone special to share my life with. As much as I love my kids, it's just not the same.
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