So on this milestone day, 50 days into my experiment, I was told by someone I was embarrassing myself with my writing. I had to pause for a moment, and reflect on what I had written that would embarrass me, or ultimately my children. I have been cognizant since Day 1 that if I, as I historically very private person, was going to put my stories out there, anyone who chose to read them could sit in judgment. I can live with that.
I can also live with the fact that I’ve shared some very intimate things, as well as some very trivial items. However, in my quest to share the “whole me,” I’ve been pretty careful not to cross the line into authoring the next 50 Shades of Grey. Not only is my life not that exciting, but if it was, I sure as hell wouldn’t be comfortable sharing it to a public audience.
That said, the thing that is most important to me is my daughters. I am trying to my very best to raise smart, confident, independent young women. I am not a perfect mother. But I am a damn good one. My daughters are still relatively young, but someday they will read this. And I will own every last word of it. It’s important that they know me not just as the woman who lovingly packed their lunches, tucked them in at night and spent countless hours navigating their various life challenges with them. I was also a woman who once loved their father very much, and that came to an end. And I did everything I could to make it work and couldn’t, so we moved on. And this was one of the ways that aided me in doing that.
I suppose that my daughters, or E, or my family can choose to be embarrassed by my words, my life choices, or pretty much anything I do or write about. It won’t be the first time. But you know what? I can’t worry about that. I have to worry about makes sense to me, and what feels right.
But I’ll ask a favor of those of you who follow me regularly. Please commit along with me. I’ve signed up to this for a year. I get side messages, texts, and encouraging notes everyday. You have no idea how incredibly impactful, supportive, and energizing that has been. However, I also get a whole lot of data that shows me how many of you are reading on a daily basis. While I don’t need to know who you are, if you are going to peer into my life, at least do me the courtesy of officially following me so I can actually keep more accurate track of who’s reading. And if you don’t want me to know who you are, pick a clever handle. But that seems fair right? I’ll keep sharing, but share a little support in return. Hearing that some of you are reading and then talking about me behind my back…man, that’s SO high school. So at least sign up and then do that. Because I already know who some of you are anyway.
Just to put it all out there, this is an incredibly difficult thing to do everyday. I set the personal goal of sharing a piece of myself each day, and I delivered. I have no one to answer to but myself. None of you care, or have a vested interest in whether I complete this goal or not. Many of you may drop off and I may be writing this for just me by the end. And that’s ok. Because in the end, I ultimately have to answer to myself.
If I am leading a life that I am proud of, and can feel like I lived it by growing, learning, and loving along the whole journey, I don’t think I’ve got one damn thing to be embarrassed about it.
I’m Not Afraid, Eminem, 2010
I’m not afraid, I’m not afraid
To take a stand, to take a stand
Everyone, everybody
Come take my hand, come take my hand
We’ll walk this route together through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just lettin’ you know you’re not alone
Holla if you feel like you’ve been down the same road
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