Day 45 of The 365 Day Experiment. Saying Goodbye.

I hate the word goodbye. It’s so final.  And I feel like I’ve been saying a fair amount of it over the last few years. The most significant being E, as we draw to a close on our long marriage. It’s not really goodbye - we need to communicate nearly everyday because of the kids.  But it’s a goodbye to a life I knew for 17 years.  And there has been another significant loss too.

I had a best friend of two decades. I met her in my first job out of college. I hired her to be my team’s summer intern, and adored her immediately.  I recruited her to three companies, and helped her build her career. We grew so close that she became the third child to my parents. At one point we thought she and my brother would date. And she was the only non-family member at my 11 person wedding in Italy, because she had become family.

And then, inexplicably, she dumped me. At first, after speaking to each other nearly every day for almost 20 years, I assumed she was just really busy. And then I began to question what I might have done to offend her. I spent weeks tracking her down, trying to make sure she was ok. And then I beat myself up for whatever I could have done to make my friend walk away.

And then, out of nowhere, I was contacted by another one of her closest friends.  She asked me if I had heard from her, because she hadn’t heard from her in weeks and was really worried.  We compared notes and shared the same exact tale.  I was relieved to know it actually wasn’t me who had done something unthinkable to make my dear friend bolt, but rather herdisconnecting from her closest friends.  Without explanation.  Just poof.

It’s been a year and a half.  I’ve gone through Elizabeth Kubler Ross’s 5 stages of grief and am finally at “acceptance.”  I’ll never understand what has gone through her mind, or why she chose to walk away from the  closeness from the friends who loved her the most.   The woman who was once a beloved surrogate aunt to my children is now one that no longer visits or calls anymore.  In my mind, she has passed away.  It’s easier that way. 

I am a girl who thrives on relationships.  Saying goodbye to longtime ones that have been cherished, nurtured and cultivated over a period of decades is heartbreaking.  It’s hard for me not to think of people as transactional in my life, given some of these recent experiences.  However, I believe in the power of friendship, and I believe in the power of love.  And just because a few fell apart, doesn’t mean new doors won’t open to amazing new relationships and friendships.  So I’ll just keep trying to be the best friend and partner I can be, and hope it plays out well for me in the future.  In the end, I can only control my own actions - not that of anyone else.