Day 154 of The 365 Day Experiment. All You Need Is Love.

I sat in my office this afternoon, taking advantage of a Saturday afternoon without co-workers or children or set plans.  While I know others may have taken the free time to get a massage or watch a movie, I have had a wonderful day.  Tunes blasting, items that have been sitting for far too long getting completed and plenty of time to just think.  For those who laugh it off when I tell them I am in fact introverted, this is a great example of that. I just play extroverted on tv.

As my music streamed through my office, Katy Perry’s “Unconditionally” came on.  Someone had sent that to me as a word to write about recently, so I’ll take that as a sign.

My first thought when I heard Perry’s song was “damn, girlfriend sure bounced back quickly.”  I’m sure after getting dumped by her husband Russell Brand over text message - and having the whole world know about it - it would be a rather hard thing to have another go at it.  And yet, there she is, singing about unconditionally loving her new man, John Mayer.  I’m not even going to guess on how long this relationship lasts, but if we are betting I’ll take the under.  But good for her for making the attempt.  

I remember long ago a boyfriend told me of the four types of love as described in religion: Affection, friendship, romance, and unconditional.  Looking back on it, I think he was trying to tell me I was fitting into the friendship category more than the romantic one.  He was right…we’ve had a wonderful 20+ year friendship as a result.

If we look at those though, are we as people truly capable of loving unconditionally?  Is there nothing that will get us to change our feeling towards another.  

In “affection”, described as that love we feel towards the familiarity of a another (think family member) or people who have grown close to over the years.  Many times, we are partnered with these people by chance.  We don’t select our family members.  And while many of us our fortunate to love the majority of the people in our families, judging by the holiday recaps I’ve been hearing over the past few days, being forced to “love” people you don’t always see eye to eye with just because you share the same bloodline is a tough thing.

With “friendship,” we build bonds through common interest, experiences and activities.  It’s different than Affection, because you actually chose these relationships.  In many cases when you hear people say “my friends are my family” it makes sense.  If you are spending time with people you truly share a common bond with, rather than people you are just connected to by blood, perhaps those relationships do hold more significance to you.

“Romance" tries to combine the two, I believe.  This is the love that refers to "being in love."  And for everyone who has ever experienced it, it’s got as many highs as it does lows.  And in my humble opinion, the high is about as good as anything you could buy on a street corner.  And it’s way better for you.

And then, there’s “unconditional love.”  To be able to give of one’s self like this, in a completely selfless way, is a pretty amazing thing.  For parents this is kind of a no brainer.  Complete and total love with no boundaries is a pretty remarkable thing, and likely one none of us would ever think we are capable of until we are actually in that situation.  

I believe many of us enter into a couple believing we will love unconditionally, but I don’t believe that’s how it always ends up.  But sometimes, sometimes, it does.  There’s a big difference between tolerance and unconditional love.  I recall an amazing scene from the movie Good Will Hunting where Matt Damon’s character, Will, has just given Robin William’s character Sean a hard time about a painting he has done.  Sean’s response:

"If I ask you about women, you’d probably give me a syllabus about your personal favorites. You may have even been laid a few times. But you can’t tell me what it feels like to wake up next to a woman and feel truly happy. You’re a tough kid. And I’d ask you about war, you’d probably throw Shakespeare at me, right, "once more unto the breach dear friends." But you’ve never been near one. You’ve never held your best friend’s head in your lap, watch him gasp his last breath looking to you for help. I’d ask you about love, you’d probably quote me a sonnet. But you’ve never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn’t know what it’s like to be her angel, to have that love for her, be there forever, through anything, through cancer. And you wouldn’t know about sleeping sitting up in the hospital room for two months, holding her hand, because the doctors could see in your eyes, that the terms "visiting hours" don’t apply to you. You don’t know about real loss, ‘cause it only occurs when you’ve loved something more than you love yourself. And I doubt you’ve ever dared to love anybody that much. And look at you… I don’t see an intelligent, confident man…"

Sean appeared to have unconditional love for his wife.  And in the end, true affection for his student Will.  

No matter what form of love, they all seem worth fighting for, no?

Day 153 of The 365 Day Experiment. Let The Season Begin.

I’m not a fan of malls or crowds. I’m more Cyber Monday than Black Friday. What I am a big fan of, however, is celebrating the season by showing people I care about them.  

I don’t just celebrate Christmas. I celebrate the entire month of December. The day after Thanksgiving the baking starts, and the holiday cards begin getting addressed. The kids will begin to help decorate the house and the tree will go up next weekend. There is a sense of festivity in the air; a sense of magic. A sense of love and family and friendship and everyone is just a little bit nicer to each other - perhaps a carryover from our childhoods when we were cautioned that Santa wouldn’t come if we misbehaved.

My daughters stopped believing in Santa long ago, and I’ve convinced them it’s better to know I’m “the big guy”; they got rid of the middle man, and now have a direct line to the source. And it’s great for me to challenge myself to make each Christmas full of wonder for them. As they get older, they are learning it’s not about the number of packages under the tree but the love and spirit of the season. And maybe a special surprise or two to let them know magic exists and loving parents will always kick Santa’s imaginary a**.

Today I got up, organized, and started ordering away.  I also hit a couple of smaller stores because they need love too.  And I’m almost done.  I have found a new hiding place, as I do each year, so my kids don’t find their treats should they decide to get curious.  

Thursday night I’m hosting a dinner party at my home for my team to thank them for all of their hard work throughout the year.  While dinner out in the city might be a little more convenient for everyone, this is a little more intimate - and memorable - way to celebrate all that we’ve accomplished together this year.  And it’s been a lot.  So they deserve to be honored in some special way.

I went to the craft store and gathered supplies for Friday night when my gaggle of girlfriends come over for one of our monthly events…which like likely involve more wine and laughs than getting to the activities we will be doing.  And that’s just fine.  Being together is the most important part.

And this morning, as a I woke up, I logged on and caught a creative video made by a friend who had captured the magic of the season with a bunch of his co-workers.  It was funny and special, and made with so much soul.  It was the perfect way to enter the holiday season.  It’s not even the 1st yet, but I’m already in the spirit…bring on December!

Day 152 of The 365 Day Experiment. I'm Thankful.

Today is Thanksgiving.  My kids are with their dad in New Jersey with his family, my brother is in LA with his family, and my parents are in Florida. And while I may be physically by myself, I do not feel alone.

Today, I will celebrate “Friendsgiving.”  A good friend who hails from London and two Kiwis and I are gathering to eat and share in the merriment this afternoon.  Eating, drinking, laughing, chilling.  No family drama, no weird dishes to avoid and fear awkwardly hurting someone’s feelings if you don’t.  Just a chance to enjoy each other’s company.  And while of course I would love to share the day with my family, I’ll be doing that at Christmas in a few short weeks. So this day to me seems a pretty terrific back up plan.  And I don’t even have to wash a dish afterwards.

Most important to me today, however, is the chance to give thanks.  I’ve been doing it in person all week to those people who are truly meaningful in my life.  Just so I have a written record of it though, here goes - along with a few others (made a bit anonymous):

I am thankful to my daughters, who challenge me to be the best person I can be, so I can be the best role model for them.  And for rising to the occasion this year with humor, flexibility and grace.  They’ve defined the word resilient, and I am so proud of them.

I am thankful to my good friends, who have “been there.”  I know they feel like they haven’t done much, but sometimes just listening is more valuable than anything.  I cherish them.  

I am thankful for my work, my company and my co-workers.  Not only am I one of those fortunate people who love what I do, I love who I do it with.  And we are doing something pretty awesome together.  As a side benefit, work and it’s amazing people served as an incredible distraction over the past year.  It’s easy to stay strong when you have something of value - kids and work - to focus on.  

I am thankful to my family. They are scattered across the land, and even though they wanted to “help” and there was nothing for them to do, they did add value.  They understood and supported.  Ultimately, that is all that was needed.

I am thankful for the fighting spirit of my friend’s premature son, and this child’s incredible “f*ck everyone, I am going to prove you all wrong” attitude.  This child is not even three months old yet and I he’s my newest hero.  I adore he and his dad, for their incredible energy and spirit.

I am thankful for my good fortune.  I have worked hard for it, but I am blessed to have a nice home, good food to eat, and clothes to wear when so many people are struggling. I’m grateful my divorce didn’t completely wipe us out as it does for so many couples. And I’m extra thankful for my shoes. I love my shoes.

I am thankful for whichever personality characteristic allows me to be me. I don’t do a lot of things well, but I am happy being myself.  And I have learned this year more than any other before, when I listen to my gut, I am almost always right.  Sometimes there is a price to pay for that, but I am willing to pay.  Life is too short to not ultimately be in your happiest place.

And finally, I am thankful for having the stamina to write every day.  It’s a grind, but it’s a good one.  I’ve learned a lot, and made some amazing connections with people - old friends and new - along the way.  What an incredible side benefit.  So thank you to all of you who have taken the time to read, comment, critique, judge, and in the majority of cases just plain care.  I am thankful to all of you for caring.

Peace, love and thanks.

Day 151 of The 365 Day Experiment. Mind Jolts.

I've taken a lot of ribbing for my infamous bedroom whiteboard. A number of people have asked to see a picture of it.  I'll give you a mental image. First off, it's not a literal whiteboard.  It's a clear coat of this awesome paint - called "Wink" that can be applied over any other painted wall.  If there is nothing written or drawn on my wall, you'd never know it was there…but it is never empty. It's so I've got one very colorful wall filled with whatever is going on in my brain in any given week. 

My job has a balance of creative elements paired with the rigor of daily management, planning and leading.  While I love the combined aspects of the whole, my natural affinity veers toward the ability to develop something from nothing.  I like looking at the blank canvas, and trying to figure out what will work best for our particular situation.  And then building that solution from whatever I can construct in my brain.  

I find that similar to my headaches, my creative flow is incredibly tied to my sleep patterns.  As in, more sleep = better result.  I can't even begin to imagine what's going on with my body lately.  When I fell ill in September, I couldn't stay up past 9 pm for the better part of a month.  I was cautioned by my doctors that I should get a "full night's sleep," as it would take a good 4 - 6 months for this stupid virus to pass.  Riiiiggggghhhhtttt.

I don't know what's happened to me over the past several weeks, but I cannot seem to fall asleep before midnight.  And my alarm goes off at 5:15 each morning.  I don't like being a vampire.  I like to sleep.  I need sleep.  And I can tell my lack of it is affecting both my creativity and my headaches.  And I don't like it.

My headaches and my ideas come to me in much the same way…as quick bursts. One is excruciatingly painful and one is not.  One requires medication and the other does not.  However, the essence is similar.  For a few minute block, I am at one with the experience, and I can think of nothing else.  

When the headache hits, I do what I do to pretend it doesn't exist.  However, for those few intense minutes multiple times a day, that crazy pain on the left side of my head is all I can think about.  I never know when it's going to hit, or how strong or weak it's going to be.  I just ride it out, and then move on.  With my ideas, I can't plan for those either.  They come out of nowhere; typically when I am at my most relaxed.  Hence, the bedroom whiteboard.  If I'm in the shower, or ready to snuggle into bed…BAM!  New thought appears.  I then have to write it out before I lose it.  

And sometimes, they both happen when other people are present.  With the headaches, sometimes other people cause them.  And sometimes, with ideas, they just form with the benefit of working with other people…like when I ask people to provide me with one word to prompt my writing.  That one word gets me thinking.  I love to put my own spin on it, and then compare notes with the person who provided the word to see how differently we were thinking when they suggested it.  

Finally, sometimes my mind jolts - or lack of them -  are self imposed.  While I don't ever intentionally try to give myself a headache, I know my lack of sleep is creating greatly to my recent increase in number of them. And just as easily, an increase in fresh ideas can come from something as simple as having lunch with someone in a totally different field every month (a goal I have tried to stick to for years now), or playing a game with my kids.  We invented a ridiculous drawing game called "Pickle" that never fails to give me new insights on both how my children see the world, but also some clever new thoughts.

I never subscribed to the "be creative on demand" theory.  My desk at work is for getting work done.  By best ideas and designs come when they choose, not when I choose.  So whether it's my uncontrollable headaches or my uncontrollable idea flow, I stand ready for both of my "mind jolts," whenever they choose to hit.

BONUS:

Want a bedroom - or any room - whiteboard of your own?  Order the paint here:

http://www.wolfgordon.com/wink

Day 150 of The 365 Day Experiment. Commitments.

Word of the day…is commitment.  Suggested by a new friend, it was shared among a number of other choices.  I choice it because it made me the most uncomfortable.  I seem to run towards that feeling.   Perhaps there is a sense that if I confront it, I will tackle it.  

The first thing I thought of when I read that word sent to me was marriage.  As commitments go, this is a pretty significant one.  And yet, now that I have “been there, done that” I’m not clear if I’ll ever do it again. I love the notion of being committed to someone.  I am a loyal person, and I feel like if two people truly connect, it’s a pretty amazing thing to be able to pledge yourself to another.  That whole notion of the legally binding thing though…I’m not so sold on it anymore.  Given that I am not going to have any more children, I don’t see the need. I don’t long to be a bride again.  I desire to be a partner.  It’s worth waiting for, and should I ever be fortunate enough to have lightening strike twice in my lifetime, I don’t need a paper to legitimize it.  Maybe I’d get a final tattoo with the words “i do” on my ring finger instead.  Just to make a point.

I believe many people fear the commitment of marriage because of its illusion of permanence.  If you look up “commitment” in the dictionary, one of the definitions reads, “An obligation or promise that restricts one’s action of freedom.”  Jesus.  If I had read that sentence before I walked down the aisle I think I might have turned the other direction and done a wind sprint out of the building.  And yet, with a marital commitment there is still an out clause.  No one wants to ever enter a marriage thinking they are going to have to play that card, but you know in the back of your mind it exists. I never thought I would.  My parents are still married.  So are my exes.  We grew up in stable homes and had the best role models for what healthy marriages could look like.  I think with commitment, I always think of the phrase “I keep my commitments.”  In the case of this one, I look myself in the mirror and know I did my best.   I guess that’s all I can ask of myself.

The commitment that is one-ups the marital commitment, however, is the commitment you make to becoming a parent.  With marriages you can pull the rip cord.  You can’t walk out on your children.  I mean, I guess you could, but you’d be a complete dead beat.  Children are a forever decision.  I totally respect those I know who have chosen not to have them, because they know they can’t make that selfless commitment.  And for all of us who do, we’re in it together.  It defies any form of commitment we’ve ever made to a job, skill or person we’ve previously known.  The input to payout ratio is high…they are so much mental and physical work, and yet the love and job they bring to our lives is just inexplicable.

There’s other forms of committing as well.  I’m just about as committed to my work as I am to my kids.  It’s not just a source of income for me.  I am committed to the success and personal work experience of almost 400 people.   I am committed to ensuring that I am doing my part to make this company the absolute best it can be.  I am committed not because it’s my job to be.  I am committed because I am bought into the people I work with, who I go into battle with everyday, and because I play to win.  And I am committed because I only chose projects and companies to work for that I am passionate about.  It’s an easy formula.

And then there is the commitment in the form of Malcolm Gladwell’s mastery concept of the “10,000 Hours Rule.”  He describes this as the key to success in any field is, to a large extent, a matter of practicing a specific task for a total of around 10,000 hours.  Essentially, if any of us commit 10,000 hours to anything - a hobby, a sport, this crazy experiment - we are bound to achieve some form of mastery at it.  That seems to make sense, no?  So if you REALLY wanted to master something, and you spent two hours a day on it, every single day, it would take you just over 13 years to get there.  Just over 9 years if you next spent three hours a day.   Okay…so maybe that’s a unrealistic amount of time to spend.  Or is it?  At this point in our lives, likely none of us has 2 or 3 hours to commit to mastering something new.  But is that true?  There is a reason older people thrive in golf.  They have the time to commit to it.  And they enjoy it.  

There are all sorts of commitments we make; some big, some small.  I think, however, that its not the size of the commitment that matters - it’s the passion that accompanies it that contributes greatly to its probability of it being carried out to success and it’s ultimate achievement.  

I started writing this feeling uncomfortable about commitment, and I am finishing feeling great.  After forcing myself to think about the different aspects of commitments, this initially challenging entry to write wasn’t nearly as painful as a tough.  I don’t fear commitment.  I fear a loss of freedom if I make permanent choices that don’t make positive change.

Day 149 of The 365 Day Experiment. Wasted Talent.

I cruised to work this morning, and while flipping around on my radio, I heard my first Christmas carol of the season.  Technically I think it was my second, but the first came for a brief moment as I was checking out of a coffee shop.  This one was Whitney Houston, whose voice I will admit to never being a huge fan of.  However, I stayed tuned in.  Not only was I in the mood for a little early holiday cheer, but I immediately went to that dark place.  How the hell could such talent be wasted with such foolish choices?  Her infamous “crack is whack” line proved to be quite the understatement.

As I sat thinking about Whitney and the wake of hell she created in her own way too short life, I thought about the ripple effects it left to those who survived her.  Her daughter.  Her extended family.  Her ex-husband who apparently got her involved in the first place.  Her fans.

And then I started thinking about the others who are now gone, or perhaps may be headed down that path.  The Dead at 27 Club.

When I was growing up, I worshipped the music of Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison… and then two decades later Kurt Cobain and Nirvana.  And of course they all left amazing musical legacies in their path and chaos in their wake.  While I grew up with the legend of the previous three and their untimely deaths I could understand drug-related deaths.   it was Kurt’s suicide which really got to me.  And it wasn’t that I was mourning the death of a future legend; I could not get my head around how a young dad could kill himself and leave his daughter behind - as well as his successful band.  Courtney Love I sort of understood.   

And then of course there was artist Jean-Michel Basquiat, who ironically also died at 27.   Death by speedball.   And Amy Winehouse.  Alcohol poisoning.  And there are others who aren’t nearly as well known who died at the same tender age.  All shared the common bond of death at age 27.  And leaving behind an abundance of wasted talent.

And I thought about all the other musicians, actors, and some of the other “normal, non-famous” people I know who I am watching - or have watched - go off the tracks.  Sometimes their lives are played out on the world stage, for us to observe as a real-time human soap opera.  Lindsey Lohan’s multi-year saga has enthralled people for all the wrong reasons.  Is Miley Cyrus following in her footsteps?  Too early to tell, but it’s looking like there is a fine line between marketing brilliance and self-destruction.  It took Brittany years to fight her way back from head shaving self-loather to pop princess again.  Hey, good for her.  The only thing we Americans seem to love watching more than watching someone implode is a fantastic comeback story.

I have hard time watching tabloid tv shows like TMZ and others that focus on the downfall of others.  Worse, I hate when I see people I actually know skidding off the rails.  As someone who is wired to want to try to help others, there may literally be nothing more painful for me than to see than someone squandering their talent and life.  Of course I understand that people have struggles and life can be difficult.  However, I view having a gift or talent  of any kind as an opportunity to be able to build from there.  And yes, I appreciate some of these people are/were struggling with some serious demons.  But to not be able to be able to use that one special talent that you have as a starting place and flourish from there; what a total waste.

Life is short.  Life is precious.  Life is worth maxing out.  Many of us spend our lives looking for our special gift or talent.  For those who discover theirs and find success in them, it’s painful for me to watch them cast them aside with poor choices to do drugs or other bad decisions.  

In this season of good tidings, I am hoping those sliding down the slippery slope have people who have care enough about them to be able to help - or at least try.  And I hope those needing it are willing to listen with an open mind and heart.  

Wasted talented, quite frankly, seriously bums me out.

Day 148 of The 365 Day Experiment. The Lingering Collateral Damage.

Day 148 of The 365 Day Experiment. The Lingering Collateral Damage.

Last night was quite wonderful. It was spent celebrating the 40th birthday of my “other brother.” A cherished friend of the family, he is the last of us to hit his forties. Finally.

His wife, my dearest of friends, planned a party that may just be the most fun any of us have had in recent memory. There was no complaining about the multi-hour drive to North Conway. Great fun was had by a group of us who spent over a month practicing choreography to surprise him with a flash mob that included some of his signature dance moves. People found sitters for the night, and went to the extra effort to be there for our friend. People didn’t just show up for an awesome party. They showed up for him. They showed him what it means to be loved. It was one of the best displays of true friendship I’ve seen in a long time. 

I will admit, as much as I adore my friends, I was a little bit anxious about attending this party “as the single one.” As incredibly kind and supportive as my Andover posse has been throughout the last year+, I have readily admitted to my girlfriends it has been hard to transition to this new life I have when I spend time with both they and their husbands together. They couldn’t be nicer; but there is no band-aid for the constant reminder of the years of memories we’ve shared together when there was one more of us present. And now that he is out of the picture, I feel as though I somehow do not belong anymore. It’s hard to be invited out to dinners and events with other couples when you are no longer part of one. So I suppose it’s a bit awkward all the way around, for everyone.

Pieces of my former husband were ever-present throughout the evening. As a good friend of the birthday boy, he was in poster form on display. He was on continual loop in the photo montage. He was referenced in my friend’s incredibly touching poem she shared as she toasted her husband. And yet, ironically none of those things bothered me. I was glad that he could participate in some way, even though he couldn’t be there.

A bright spot, however, was that I had my daughters to buffer for a while last night. While everyone else had sitters, my girls and I drove up early to drop off goody bags for all the attendees staying at the hotel. And then we prepped our room, as my oldest was going to play babysitter to my friend’s daughters for the evening. 

Ultimately, her kids and mine got to enjoy the party for a bit before heading back to the hotel and snuggling in for the night. They had a great time too, and I got the opportunity during those early party hours to worry about something other than feeling slightly awkward.

After I dropped them off, and I lost them as a social crutch, I eased into the party. I had a blast. I chatted and laughed, shared stories and traded ridiculous dance moves. I stopped thinking about what I was missing and remembered what I still had. Great friends. 

It wasn’t until the last song the incredible band played that I suddenly felt alone for first time of the night. While we had been dancing like we were at an eighth grade dance all night - girls dancing with girls, guys impressing each other with insane moves, everyone dancing with each other’s spouses - the band played “Last Dance.” All of a sudden every couple made a bee line for each other. The few couples who hadn’t danced all night even hit the floor to snuggle up to each other. And I, for the first time all night, stepped off the dance floor.

There was an after party back at the hotel, and then everyone headed to bed. Based on the amount of alcohol and energy flowing - and the fact that everyone had a hotel room for the night - you could sense the fun nights and mornings that were about to be had. Except me. I went back to my room solo, to crash with the five sleeping kids. 

There are a million things in life worse than not having a dance partner. Or a partner of any kind. Last night was a great reminder to me of the power of great friends, and wonderful children. Someday, I may return to the dance floor for that last dance. Until I do however, it’s important to remember all the great things I’ve got in my life that keep my soul full.

Day 147 of The 365 Day Experiment. Defining Sexy. Part 2, Women.

Last night I took a pass at what women find sexy in men.  Not too tough…I’m a women, and I think I have a fairly decent read on what resonates what the majority of us.  Now here’s where we see how much I’ve learned in the past 45 years…what men find sexy in women.  Talk about setting myself up for a firestorm.  But feedback welcome, boys.  We all know I’m all about the disciplined risk taking (doing this post in particular) and continuous learning (how far off the mark I am).

What I believe most men find sexy in women:

Women Who Know How to Have Fun.  When you first start dating, you spend a lot of time doing the fun stuff together.  And then life kicks in. I know more relationships that fizzle because women try to get men to come home every night rather than head out after work to meet with a friend, have a life outside of them, etc.  Here’s the thing, no one likes to feel trapped.  But if you are out doing fun things together,  (and that does not equal shopping for a couch) you probably will both feel more inclined to both feel more confident having lives outside of each other.  It’s healthy.    And if we think he’s funny and laugh at his jokes, bonus.  

Women who are comfortable with their sexuality.  Meaning, they know what they like, they know how to communicate, they give gentle guidance when appropriate.  And they understand sex is an important part of a relationship; she doesn’t ‘believe in the bait and switch.  She won’t show you her “tricks” while you are dating and then shut off the well once you are locked in.  

Beautiful Women.  Let’s be honest.  This counts.  Men care if we put in a little effort to look good when we see them  They want us to look pretty and smell nice.  To be well groomed and dress to flatter our bodies.  And why shouldn’t they?  Put in a small amount of effort and apparently we become intoxicating.

Women Who Actually Like Men, and Tries to Understand Them.  Meaning, there are some serious differences between men and women, but it’s sexy when a woman doesn’t try to turn you into one of her girlfriends.  She appreciates you for being a man.  She likes that you have male friends, and respects that.  And when you think differently than her, she understands why.  

Women Who Likes To Touch.  I might be totally off on this, but I am going to go out on a limb and guess that most men think it’s pretty sexy that if a woman digs him, she’s not afraid to show it by touching him.  Kissing him. Whatevering him.  

A Woman Who Needs You.  I guess this could be tied to “she appreciates you” too.  But even the most self sufficient of us needs you.  And we appreciate it when we have you.  And we need to show that.  And I think you think that’s kind of sexy.

Confidence.  This is one I think both genders share.  It’s a little different though.  I think men find if sexy if women are willing to push past fears and take a risk.  Or if they willing to take a risk on him.  Or she’s willing to break a few rules in the spirit of having fun.  Ultimately, she just believes in herself.  

Yoga Pants.  As my many a man has suggested, single greatest invention made in the last twenty years.  Don’t abuse their power.

Day 146 of The 365 Day Experiment. Defining Sexy. Part 1, Men.

Nice A** from last night sparked quite the number of conversations…including one started at about 6:45 am this morning when I walked into work.  I love beginning my insanely early mornings with my teammate.  We are kindred spirits in that we are both hyper committed to our work AND a great laugh.  He had plenty to say on last night’s post, and was full of critique about what I had left out (the allure of yoga pants, etc.)  However, as I sat and ate my yogurt and listened to his rant, we somehow veered  the topic in a different direction.  Rather than focusing on the mystique of women’s butts, we spent a good ten minutes trying to brainstorm great looking male rock stars.  He and I clearly have different taste.  Which brings me to tonight’s topic…what makes someone sexy.  And by someone, I’m tackling men AND women with this one. 

We’ve already determined long ago I do not follow the norm, so I’m suspecting to get a bunch of pushback on this.  But here’s my take…

First off, several months ago I wrote about what made someone attractive. (See Day 94). Sexy is different than attractive.  And for men and women, I think we think about this differently.  Women first.  I’ll take a crack at what I think men think tomorrow.

What I believe most women find sexy in men:

Talent.  We love men with skills.  Doesn’t really matter what it is, but this explains why the homeliest of rock stars get the girls.  You don’t need to wail on the guitar though…if you are a master of something (cooking, music, a sport, etc.) we just love that.

You Actually Know How To Listen.  I know.  This is a toughie.  If guys actually pay attention and figure out what we care about - both the basics (you remember my favorite flowers, how I take my coffee, or why I can’t stand bacon) and the more serious (an issue at work or a communication challenge I might be having with my parents), we feel cared about.  If you can listen and not always try to solve the problem, very sexy.

A Big…Brain.  A good friend of mine in high school has a brilliant mom.  At 18, she told us, don’t just go for the hotties - realize looks fade over time.  Be smart and look for guys who are smart.  How true she was.  Intelligence can stand the test of time long after the looks go.

An Amazing Smile.  We all have different types.  But one thing it is hard to disagree on is a great smile.  Good teeth, and a great big genuine smile is one thing that we can all agree on.

Kindness.  Whether it is to children, elderly, animals, whoever - if we a guy being kind to others I believe we interpret he will be kind to us as well.

Humor Me.  Keep us laughing and we’re yours.   It’s a way to bring people together, as the life of the party, but also as way to get people through the darker times in life too.   Hey, it seems to have worked for David Spade.

Confidence.  You know what you want?  That makes us feel secure and that’s a major turn on.  Just understand the there is a fine line between confidence and arrogance.

Eyes.  Can you look us in the eye when you talk to us?  Listen to us?  Before you kiss us?  And if you had beautiful eyes to boot?  MMMmmmm. Women love connection, and that’s a pretty awesome way to do it.

You’re A Man.  I don’t care how independent or self sufficient a woman is.  Every woman appreciates a guy who knows how to fix something with a tool, and knows how to hold a door open for her.   That doesn’t mean you need to know how to build a house from the ground up, or jump through massive romantic hoops for us on a daily basis.  It just means I believe the large majority of us appreciate men for being just that; men.  And it's sexy when you know how to use that difference, and make us feel special for being your woman.  

Of course, looking like David Beckham doesn’t hurt either.  But men have it easier than women.  We are more forgiving than men.  There is a reason David Spade, Prince and Billy Bob Thorton have all scored with some of the worlds most beautiful women - and it isn’t because of their looks.  These guys cover a whole lot of what’s listed above.

Can’t wait to attempt to try my hand at what men find sexy tomorrow.  I’ll grab my flack jacket in preparation…

Day 145 of The 365 Day Experiment. Nice A**.

I am starting my writing late tonight, as I chose to Skype for a while with one of my funniest girlfriends.  And as our rapid fire jokes came to an end, I asked her for a motivating thought to write about.  She offered “donkey booty.”  (For those not in the know this is a “Real Housewives of Atlanta” term for a great butt).  So here goes.

In a college art history class, we learned a long held belief that men are drawn to women’s’ posteriors because it suggests health and fertility. Perhaps that’s a small factor, but I think I call the bullish*t flag on that one.  A great butt on a woman is a uniquely feminine trait.  It’s where our distribution of fat goes - our butt and thighs - while for a man it’s typically more around the gut.  

Now of course that’s not to suggest that a man can’t have a well formed butt.  However, if we work with the premise that men are drawn to the fact that women have something uniquely feminine as a starting place, you can build on that theory by then suggesting that a cultural element then comes into play.  Some cultures seem to respect the a** more than others.  The stories of the men in Italy pinching women’s behinds as they walk by aren’t fictitious.  These men worship the curvy form and swing of the hip. Latin cultures seem to also favor a smaller waist and a robust tush.  I find it amazing the body confidence these women have wearing thong bathing suits when women with far less “back” would never dare sport that much skin.  Other cultures, British come to mind, generally seem to appreciate for a more slender build on a woman.  

We’ve heard for years there are “boob men” and “butt men.”  Is this true? It must be.  Judging by most of the men I know, I know their preference.  And if I don’t know them well enough for them to have publicly admitted it, you can figure it out pretty quickly.  Just watch where their eyes start, and where they finish when they scope out a woman.  It’s typically on their favorite “part.”

And why do I have a perspective or any thoughts on this ridiculous topic?  Because in 7th grade a boy on my bus told me I had a nice a**.  I’ll never forget it.  I had had comments about my face before, but this was the first comment about my body.  And I took it as a massive compliment, because he was genuinely nice and matter of fact about it.  (Note: my daughter is in 7th grade now, and if I boy said that to her I’d be really pissed off because it seems way too young to even understand what that means.)   So I began to actually consider my butt as a “feature.”  As in, I’ll never have a big chest, I’ll never have long legs…so you play to what you’ve got.

Songs have been written about them, pictures painted of them, and implants even created to allow the have nots to become the haves.  Who would have ever guessed some squishy body part would become such a coveted asset? (no pun intended)

Got one?  Rock it.  Don’t?  Donkey Booty video might get you there…but nothing ever beats good old school squats.  Just sayin’

Day 144 of The 365 Day Experiment. Sometimes You've Got To Say WTF.

Yesterday in one of my smaller team meetings, two of my colleagues glanced up at the agenda they had prepared on their whiteboard and started nervously laughing.  When I turned around to see what they were looking at, I started laughing too.  There, in bold font was written "WTF."  When I asked them, bluntly, "WTF, guys?" they jokingly asked permission to use the expression more often.  And then they followed up the request with several well thought out - and hysterical - examples.  

Sometimes being in a "people strategy" team offers you insight into some pretty interesting conversations and situations.  And at the rate we are growing, at least one of us ends up at some point in the day asking ourselves, "WTF?"  And thankfully, most of the time we have each other to bounce the crazy stories - and solutions - off of.  

I find myself saying "WTF" a lot lately.  Most of the time, it's strictly for my own entertainment purposes.  Standing in line at a check out counter and seeing the cover of the tabloids using garners an outburst from me.  Seeing my youngest daughter trying to imitate Fire Marshall Bill or one of her other cast of characters typically gets a similar reaction.  If I'm walking through a crowd and spot a gang of teenage "prostitots" doing their best to look 20 when they are actually 12, that gets me going.  So does a walking into a high end store when I am casually dressed and being treated poorly by a sales person because they assume I can't afford to buy their goods.  

My favorite time to say it, however, is in the spirit that was shared in "Risky Business."  Remember that famous scene where Tom Cruise's character Joel is talking to his friend Miles?  Miles says to him, "Sometimes you gotta say "WTF", make your move. Joel, every now and then, saying "WTF", brings freedom. Freedom brings opportunity, opportunity makes your future. So your parents are going out of town. You got the place all to yourself."

Of course, my parents aren't around but every once in awhile I do have my place to myself.  And I like my newfound freedom.  Freedom does bring opportunity.  And opportunity is paving the way to an even brighter future ahead.  

So, with an incredible amount of responsibilities on my overfilled plate, it's nice to be able to take a deep breath every once in a while and say "WTF."  I always seem the dig the outcome when I do.

Day 143 of The 365 Day Experiment. Lyrical Magic.

I’m one of those people who need music in my life.  No matter what mood I am in, there is music to suit my taste.  And music to change that mood if it needs to be changed.

Most of the time, I’ve just got music playing as background in my office, car or kitchen.  I’ll sing along, but often am listening more to the beat than I am to the lyrics.  When I am tuned in, however, there are some lines that have become incredibly meaningful to me over the years.  

With categories and themes on shuffle, a few of my favorites:

"All you need is love, love. Love is all you need" The Beatles, All You Need Is Love

“And I wonder, when I sing along with you, if everything could ever feel this real forever, if anything could ever be this good again.”  Foo Fighters, Everlong

“You, you may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. I hope someday you will join us. And the world will be as one" John Lennon, Imagine

“But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for" U2, I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For

"There’s always gonna be another mountain, I’m always gonna wanna make it move, Always gone be an uphill battle, Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose.  Ain’t about how I get there, Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side. It’s the climb" Miley Cyrus, The Climb

"Optimism is my best defense" Rod Stewart, Baby Jane

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end" Semisonic, Closing Time

"Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose."  Janis Joplin, Me & Bobby McGee

“Took this love and I took it down, climbed a mountain and I turned around.  And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills, till the landslide brought me down.” Fleetwood Mac, Landslide

"Fathers be good to your daughters, daughters will love like you do. Girls become lovers, who turn into mothers, so mothers be good to your daughters, too.” John Mayer, Daughters

"All these places have their moments, with lovers and friends I still can recall.  Some are dead and some are living, in my life I’ve loved them all." The Beatles, In My Life

“I’d rather be a hammer than a nail”. - Simon and Garfunkel, El Condor Pasa

“You can’t fight the tears that ain’t coming, or the moment of truth in your lies. When everything seems like the movies, yeah, you bleed just to know you’re alive”. Goo Goo Dolls, Iris

“And the words of the prophets are written on the subway walls.” Simon and Garfunkel, Sounds of Silence

"Every time I look in the mirror, All these lines on my face getting clearer, The past is gone. It goes by, like dusk to dawn. Isn’t that the way. Everybody’s got their dues in life to pay”, Aerosmith, Dream On

"You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime" Eminem, Lose Yourself

And perhaps my all time favorite;

“You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometime you just might find, you get what you need”. The Rolling Stones, You Can’t Always Get What You Want

Day 142 of The 365 Day Experiment. THNK YNG

Day 142 of The 365 Day Experiment. THNK YNG.

My incredibly talented co-worker recently spoke at an industry conference, touting how innovative our recruiting practices are. He wowed the crowd not just with our inventive approaches; his infectious energy and humor draw you in.  

And when he came home from this conference held in Vegas, he was even more energized.  He was pumped not just from the awesome feedback he got from his presentation.  He had spent the beginning of his week at Rock and Roll Fantasy Camp, spending four hours jamming with rock stars who catered to his musical whims.  Not only did he come back amped up (pun intended); I swear he came back a few years younger and more creative. 

He also came back with a recommendation for me.  Another one of the speakers at the conference had a message he was sure would resonate with me.  As he teed up the video on the screen, I tuned out his voice about five seconds in.  My friend knows me well.  The combination of U2, painting, and the charismatic artist stepping on stage to create before he ever opens his mouth had me at first brush stroke.  

As Erik Wahl began to share his message about making organizations more innovative and creative, I was glued.  He visually speaks what goes on in my head.  He’s a gifted speaker, has an incredibly unique way of communicating his message, and he’s clearly built a successful brand for himself.  Brush all that aside though, and I just get this guy’s core message.  His kind of energy and inspiration are the things that fuel me. And they are probably one of the reasons I’ve lasted in the demanding world of hyper-growth companies for over two decades.  

At the start of his talk, Wahl cites a quote made famous by Pablo Picasso.  ”Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up.”   I have always found this so relevant. When we are children, we color with reckless abandon.  We sing at the top of our lungs.  We dream without boundaries.  And yet, as we get older, so many of us lose that confidence.  We begin to doubt ourselves, which then limits our possibilities.  Ultimately, we need to find ways to break past those restraints we block ourselves with and free our minds.  We all have the aptitude to be a hell of a lot more creative and innovative than we give ourselves credit for.  We just need to put ourselves out there and try. 

Wahl does exercises with Crayolas when he works with executive teams.  I smiled when I heard that.  It validated a seemingly ridiculous move I had just made with a new Director I hired.  As we sat at lunch finalizing the details of what her role would look like, I turned my menu over and started drawing with the different colored pens and crayons I had in my purse.  At the end, when we had agreed to the details we had just brainstormed, I took the pink crayon and wrote her offer details on the menu.  Of course she received a formal letter, but the fact that she took that menu and called it one of “the most meaningful pieces of paper of her career,” was special.  That ability for both of us to get creative in the moment left me confirming she was the right person for the job; and left her with a memorable experience.

Sometimes it’s so easy to show up each day and just check the boxes to get through our lists, but that’s soooo boring.  Allowing ourselves the freedom to truly let our guards down and allow ourselves to think without boundaries might not just allow us to achieve a better result.  It might just give us the freedom to feel just a little bit younger.

Watch Erik Wahl’s awesome video here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5kMHXuO_kg&list=PLoBbPuCYnPF8uoI8dmzzyLysUqhktuNdC

And of course here is Ed Nathanson’s talk on building an awesome team of Talent Scouts.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FGzpnAcawRk&list=UU_pIYapLV6ML-S-NS8ZJh5w&index=2

Tags: erikwahl talentconnect2013 ednathanson foreveryoung

Day 141 of The 365 Day Experiment. I'll Take Meat Dress for $100, Alex.

One of my colleagues is constantly peppering his daily conversations with eighties movie quotes.  Because we are two of the oldest people in the office, I am one of the only people who know what he’s referencing, and have had about 95% hit rate.  He seems to appreciate that someone can blurt out “Spies Like Us” as he drops a line in the middle of a meeting, share a smile, and then both of us keep going like nothing odd has just taken place.

I spent a fair amount of time playing outside as a child, and had a fair number of activities going on.  However, apparently I watched a good deal of television as well.  I can’t remember who some of the contacts are in my phone, but I still can tell you who the Brady’s next door neighbors were (The Dittmeyers).   I can’t remember what I made for dinner two days ago, but I can remember details of John Hughes movies like I wrote them myself.  Most disturbing, while I barely have time to watch television anymore, I could spout with some decent authority about many shows on the Bravo channel.  

I wish math in school came as easily as popular culture did; if it had I would have easily ended up at MIT.  More than just knowing the facts, I find the study of pop culture fascinating.  I have actually crafted a point of view on The Jersey Shore and its portrayal of Italian Americans.  I find it intriguing how short lived hyper-fame can be, as well as how destructive.   I also find myself wondering the pressure people who have had ridiculous success with one notable series - like a Harry Potter, Twilight, or 50 Shades of Grey -   feel to recreate that magic with another brilliant but completely unique idea.  Perhaps they don’t.  I think I would.  

This phenomenon has changed so dramatically since I was a kid. One of my best friend’s husbands - I’ll call him Luke - and I can spend hours trading trivia facts about characters from our favorite 70’s and 80’s tv shows.  That knowledge was hard earned from countless hours wasted parked in front of the television.  We worked hard to learn that “Krauss” is the correct answer to “What was that Benson’s nemesis on the show of same name” as the follow up question to “What was the tv comedy where Billy Crystal got his start as a gay character named Jodie?”

In today’s world, mass and social media play an entirely different role.  Kim and Kanye and forced down our throats.  You can’t walk into a checkout line without being bombarded with their images, or learning about what is happening - or allegedly happening - in their lives.  By definition, popular culture is often viewed as being trivial and dumbed-down so as to find acceptance throughout the mainstream population.  And yet, knowing and understanding this, so many of us can’t seem to get enough of it.  

It’s not just television that seeps into our consciousness; it’s video games, books, movies - pretty much anything that can be mass produced and can crawl into the lexicon of our everyday lives.  And while it may seem incredibly trivial to start, these things turn out to be the core of many of some of the most controversial conversations of our day begin.   I know many of us who lean toward the intellectual would love to think we wouldn’t lower ourselves to debate these trite topics…and yet, I don’t know one group of my friends that couldn’t - or wouldn’t - have some point of view on a popular culture topic if started.

While it is indeed interesting to think about how the game has changed over the past several decades, and the media has changed the way we absorb people and what is to become “popular” in today’s world, no one can truly predict what will become the latest phenomenon that will glue all eyes to it for some brief period in time.  But one thing is for sure.  For some unknown reason, I’ll probably be fairly clued into it.  And for sure twenty years into the future I’ll be sitting in front of a roaring fire with my friend Luke, eating swedish fish and asking each other “What did Lady Gaga wear to the 2010 MTV Video Music Awards?”  

Day 140 of The 365 Day Experiment. Gratitude on Boylston St.

I signed off last night suggesting that I was in a grateful mood.  Apparently, I was not elaborating.  As I hoofed it down Boylston Street on my way out to begin the evening, I passed the Old South Church.  Just as I was about to pass, I noticed a thin gentleman who looked about my age exiting the doors.  He was carrying white plastic grocery bags.

We made eye contact and I offered him a smile.  I don’t know why he chose to stop me, or why I stopped to listen.  After years of living and working in cities, I have grown rather insensitive to the scams and hustles.  But this man looked like he had a story.  I could see it in his eyes.

So I stopped, and I listened.  He told me about his four children, and his wife.  How he had lost his job and had an upcoming interview lined up.  He was excited to work, but knew that that job would never cover their needs.  He had lined up food pantries each night to gather their daily food, and his oldest child was living with relatives who were helping out.  He said he was so ashamed to ask, but was there anything I was willing to do to help him.  

I stood and talked to him for a good ten minutes.  During those moments, I learned he wasn’t my age.  He was ten years younger.  He clearly was aging with the stress and turmoil of trying to live day to day.  And yet the most notable thing about this man was his big, bright smile.  He smiled as he told me about his children, and about how his youngest had just learned to walk.  He smiled as he told me he was excited about his job interview.  And he smiled as I handed him more money than I’ve ever handed a stranger at the end of our conversation.  

As I listened to this man’s story, however, I wasn’t just thinking about his struggle.  I was thinking about how grateful I am.  I am grateful that I had the chance to be educated, which allowed me to have a good job that pays well.  I am grateful to not worry about feeding my children.  I am grateful that I have a comfortable home and nice clothes to wear.  Meeting him was an incredible reminder of how incredibly fortunate I am.  

I rarely carrying cash anymore.  I had just gone to the bank machine because I knew I was going to be paying my daughter’s allowances in the morning, and realized my wallet was literally empty.  I’m convinced now that I stopped at that bank machine for a reason.

So as we said our goodbyes and parted ways, we shared a hug.  I wished him luck on his interview, and told him to keep thinking positively.  He thanked me for my generosity and told me I had no idea how much the gesture meant.  As we parted, I said, “I believe this meeting may have meant more to me than you.”  We both smiled and walked on into our very different lives.  

Day 139 of the 365 Day Experiment. Friday Night Lights.

In trying to brainstorm topics to write about tonight, I scrolled through the past 138 posts and am astonished by how my life has morphed since last spring.  And I am digging it. 

I spent last night catching up with an old friend and found our conversation ending up with me sharing some of the upsides of divorce.  While I’ll fully admit the first few months were a rough adjustment, the last several have been pretty damn great.  So great, in fact, that I would love to counsel my ex that he maybe he should have really thought through jumping immediately into a new relationship upon leaving.  I’ve learned more about myself and done more cool things alone over the past year than I have in the past decade.  But maybe that’s just me and how I’ve decided to travel this new path.

While I am for certain still a work in progress, here are a few of the most notable changes I’ve seen.

I used to hate to leave my kids.  Our family together was a little foursome, and vacations and weekends were spent as a team. Of course we did some things as a couple, but I didn’t really get my head around the concept of adult time vs. family time until this year.  Now, I actually look forward to the small breaks I get from my daughters.  They are learning more independence, and I am learning to maximize my “kid-less” time.  I used to feel guilty about being away from them.  No longer.  These breaks are good for all three of us.

I have embraced my freedom by doing new things.  Go to a Pink concert, see her do arial stunts and decide I want to do the same?  Check.  Want to see if I have the strength to try rock climbing?  Check.  Join the dating scene after almost two decades of marriage?  Check.  I’m trying to take advantage of every open door.  And when I don’t see a door, I’m creating my own.  While my age suggests I’m getting up there, I am still young enough to realize I have a whole life still in front of me to live.  I have got about 100 challenges right now that make my lifestyle a really difficult one to maintain, but I don’t care. I am seriously loving the opportunity to recreate my life - at least portions of it - right now.

I have chosen to prioritize, and be ok with the choices. I can’t be all things to all people.  This past year, I have focused almost all my energy on ensuring that my children come through this transition in the best way possible, and doing the best job I can at work.  I’m not going to lie.  It’s a grind to be get to the office at 7 am, be on all day at work, and then walk in my door at night to immediately switch gears and be on all night for my kids.  But it’s the right balance for me right now.  Yes, it sure helps that I love what I do for a living.  However, for the first time since I was in my early twenties I’m actually cognizant that I’m flying solo and I need to work to live.  Being employed is important, and I can’t afford to screw up my job.  So other things that are really valuable to me, like my friendships, taking good care of myself, etc., have taken a back seat.  I have had teary conversations with my friends asking them not to give up on me.  I know someday I will be back.  Those who know me well and care about me understand my situation get it, and have been so incredibly supportive.  I love them for that.  So I just do the best I can do for now, and hope as everything falls back into place that everything will recalibrate over time.  No matter what, however, I will sleep well at night knowing I’ve continued to put my kids at the top of the priority list.  

I took on a new challenge and love it.   This little blog experiment has been a good one for me, as it turns out.  Some rare days I have no interest, and I wish it was over.  And yet most days, I am grateful for the outlet, and the opportunity to express what’s going on in my head.  For someone so historically private, I apparently have had an awful lot to say.  And I’m glad to know that as I review what I have written every so often, I have a fairly optimistic outlook on life.  I’ve also learned for a fairly self-aware person, I didn’t realize that others would perceive what I am doing as bold or brave.  While putting myself out there publicly is something that anyone who knows me would never guess I would have done, taking on a big risky challenge is very much a me thing to do.  

And finally, it’s paying off.  I started a 365 day experiment to see what would happen.  The simple answer is, a lot.  I have 225 days left to go, but I have changed in these last several months as a result of my writing.  It has been a conversation starter.  I have re-engaged with old friends.  I have explored topics I didn’t realize were so important to me.  I’ve made myself vulnerable on purpose.  Most of all, I’ve grown.  I’ve learned.  Much of life is about the connections we make and the relationships we build, and I’ve discovered that by putting myself out there, others will do the same.

I’ve found a different way to begin to build on that ability during what I imagine will have been one of the biggest transition periods in my life.  I’m grateful this experiment has allowed me to do that.

And as I get ready to go form another connection tonight in the form of a date, I am in a grateful mood tonight.  It’s been yet another long, chaotic week, and I am happy.  I’m dog tired, and I’m massive need of a nap…but I’m stepping out into the Friday Night Lights knowing I’ve not just survived another week.  I’ve thrived another week.