Day 365 of The 365 Day Experiment. Write Your Own Happy Ending.

Over the past week, I have finally taken the time to review the past 364 entries for the first time ever. I must admit, I waited until I had a chunk of time alone to do so…this wasn’t something I was looking forward to doing with my daughters lurking nearby.

There were no major surprises in store for me.  I appeared to have written from my heart, and stayed true to my core.  As I revisited the goal of Day 1, I am pleased that I never veered off the path of making this my own personal mission to see if I could both set a goal and stick to it (despite a brief hiatus last summer) and see if I could really, truly open myself up.  I believe I accomplished both.  

Though this Experiment was shared with whoever chose to read it, the goal was never to write about what I thought would generate the most interest, support or fans.  It was about introspection and being bold enough to share that outward.  And then to live with the consequences.  For a formally very private person, I cannot begin to explain how incredibly challenging that has been over the past year. As much as I could pretend I was writing just for myself, I could not escape the knowledge that people were reading my words. Some nights I would click “post” and want to hide under my covers. Those are the nights I know I was being the most truthful.

Here is what I learned about myself from what I wrote as I allowed myself to reflect back…which is an indulgence I rarely do.

I am a fiercely devoted mother.  I love my daughters, and am doing my best to raise them to be happy, healthy, independent young women.  I’m far from perfect, but I think I’m actually pretty good at this.  It’s probably because I work hard at it, and my love for them is genuine.  It is privilege to be their mom.

I love my career.  I don’t have a job; I have a calling.  I have had the good fortune to have had some success, and built a nice little reputation in my field.  What really matters to me, however, is when I feel like I have made an impact.  When I think back to all the thousands of people I have helped to create jobs for.  Or the people I have mentored who are now mentoring others.  Or the companies who I have committed countless hours to, where the people have gathered and said, “I love working here.”  Those are the things that have allowed me to live my insane lifestyle for over two decades.

I am really passionate.  I had no idea how much I use this word.  I suppose it is what defines me.  If I elect to do something meaningful, I go “all in.”  It becomes  passion.  If I cannot fully embrace it - if I try to half-ass it - I am extremely unbalanced and disoriented.  I suppose that makes me a bit of an extremist, for better or worse.

I needed an outlet.  Clearly, I have been bottling a lot of stuff up for an awfully long time.  And while I have shared some exceptionally private things, I still didn’t scratch the surface.  I have however, shared them in my private life over the course of the last year…mostly the last month.  I needed to.  While I never would have thought writing would be my vehicle to healing - let alone public writing - I am exceptionally grateful that I did.  I am at peace with my past.

I need people more than I realized.  I have spent so long trying to be independent; I forgot how important it is to need other people.  While I love to help others, the other day my good friend said to me, “It’s really hard to help you.”  She is right.  I tell myself I don’t need it, but I do.  While I trend introvert, I still love the good company of my friends.  I adore the time with my daughters.  I relish the time collaborating with my co-workers.  I know the missing piece is “my person.”  It’s hard to admit that’s what you want and need, when you had it, and then lost it.  It’s scarier to actually attempt to go after it when you might find it, and it might reject you.  Again.

I am fearless. I think I knew this about myself, but this is the one thing that often pointed out to me throughout the year by people who cared to read my words.  ”I can’t believe you wrote that…”  ”I can’t believe you did that…” If you can’t believe it, then you probably don’t know me very well. I truly believe I have one life, and it’s my obligation to myself to max it out.  

I am grateful. I have a great life. Of course it has been a challenging year. I got divorced, I sold my home, and I got really sick back in the fall. You know what? Who cares? I choose to focus on the glass half full.

In the scheme of life, I had an amazing year. I took my daughters to Italy to explore my favorite places. I shared time with some extraordinary people. I tried new things and pushed myself in ways that helped me continue learning. I accomplished a few big goals, including the completion of this Experiment. I am truly blessed.

To answer a few questions I’ve been getting over the last week…

No, there is no book deal coming out of this. I have no interest in attempting to turn this into something it was never intended to be. If this year has proven anything to me, it’s that I am authentic. What you see is what you get with me. I might not be for everyone, and I am okay with that. At my core, I know I’m a good person who doesn’t need to be adored by the masses.  I just need to be loved by a few key people. That is all.  If I have that, the rest will take care of itself.

A huge thank you, to everyone who has taken a small piece of your day to read along and follow this with me. Your words of wisdom and support has fueled me. And for those who has been so incredibly kind to suggest I have motivated you in some way, I cannot tell you of a greater compliment you could give me.

So for now, this Experiment comes to an end. I will not disappear though. I didn’t spend a year investing my time writing only to cast that time aside now.

I have some new goals, and they are loftier than this meager 365 days. If I can commit to writing every day, I’m fairly certain I can accomplish just about anything I take on.  I don’t have enough to say to write daily again; I know that is out.  Do I have another blog in me?  Perhaps.  As well as a fiction book, a charity, and hopefully another start up or three. 

This last day ironically falls on the day I leave for my first vacation without my kids since they were born. I made these plans to go away after one dinner with a friend I hadn’t seen in thirteen years. It was a really good dinner. 365 days ago, I never would have done this. I was still broken, still unsure about the direction I wanted my life to take. No longer. I did my stint through the dark days and came through beaming. I am in a good place. Scratch that…I’m in great place. 

And one last thing I learned along this journey.  Every time someone approached me and shared with me that they read my work, I asked them why. The audience is broad and diverse. There are just as many men as women.  The age range that I know about spans over a 50+ year gap.  How could that much diversity resonate?  

My theory?  There is little difference between me and you.

You don’t have to be a single mom in your forties to connect with me.  You just have to a human being in search of your place in the world.  How I live or the choices I make are irrelevant to you.  I think people connected because I just kept moving forward, dusting myself off, and was honest about it.  I kept it real, and everyone can see a piece of themselves in that.   It’s either that or a bunch of serious voyeurs love reading about one woman’s struggles. 

I’m just an ordinary girl, living out her version of an extraordinary life.  I have no idea what the future holds for me, and I am okay with that…or mostly okay with that.   I have people that I love in my life, a career that fuels me, and I do a decent job of attempting to max out every day I have.  What else could I possibly want? You have no idea…

Hey, it’s my story.  I’ll write my own happy ending.  Go write your own. 

Day 364 of The 365 Day Experiment. The Old Girl Has Still Got It.

I caused an accident today.

Not in my car, and no one was hurt. The only causality was some spilled coffee. The benefit was an ego boost I’ll feed off of for a long time to come.

I had to stop into Registry of Motor Vehicles this morning, which is fortunately about a half mile from my office. I had headed out early to stand in line, a full hour before the doors opened knowing there would be a wait.

I entered out into the morning sun, embracing the opportunity to take advantage of the walk outside. I never get time like this during the day, and I wanted to maximize it. I am certain there was a spring in my step.

This morning I walked with purpose. Scratch that. I am certain I probably strutted with purpose. I had the gait of a girl who is in the brink of a accomplishing a year long goal. I said goodbye to my home with my daughters last night. I finished packing for my first childless vacation ever, and I leave tomorrow. I strutted with the gait of a woman who is at peace saying goodbye to the old, and hello to new.

I strutted with the gait of a girl whose ass looks great in the dress she chose to wear today.

Most days I don’t pay attention to how I look or feel after my morning prep, until I catch a glance at myself in a bathroom mirror mid-afternoon and think, “Yikes…you need some sleep. Or some concealer. Or a brush…Or all of the above.” Today, I feel different.

I think because I feel so content on the inside, it shows on the outside. It doesn’t matter your size or how many wrinkles you might have. Happiness looks good on anyone.

I am certain that must be what the two guys noticed when they bumped into each other as they crossed Washington Street. One in a suit, the other in construction clothes, the latter was too busy making an old style cat call to realize he was bumping into the former before he knocked into him with his oversize iced coffee. Thankfully, all three of us laughed and I kept walking. I don’t share this story because I am am deluded to think I still have the beauty of my youth. I share because I know I’m beaming today and it’s radiating out of me. A year ago, the only accidents I was likely to cause were fender benders caused by crying too much while driving.  

What a difference a year makes.

Day 363 of The 365 Day Experiment. What Do I, Amuse You?

Last night, sitting down to write was mentally taxing.  I finished posting and found myself exhausted.  There was a pit in my stomach and I wanted to crawl into bed.  Instead, I stayed up into the wee hours of the night chatting with someone who made me feel instantly better.  Sometimes, when I’m not feeling my best, it’s as simple as making me laugh to get me back on track. 

I love to laugh.  I love to make people laugh, and I love when people make me laugh.  Fortunately, I live with, work with and hang with a gaggle full of funny.

Tonight is the last night my girls are sleeping in our house.  My oldest is in tears.  My youngest is unfazed.  I have to try and relate to each.  To address the needs of each tonight, I started with something sentimental, and ended with funny.  I always defer to funny.

Life is so serious.  I often avoid turning on the news at night not because I don’t want to an informed world citizen.  It’s because the majority of it is really sad.  I don’t need any more negative in my life.  I need positive.  And I need funny.  

When it’s not readily available, I look for ways to create it.  Last night, we ran our monthly lottery in our Boston office to win access to a parking pass for a month.  Rather than just pull a name out of a hat and email out the winner, I taped Gianna as she selected the name.  And she was funny in those fourteen seconds.  It was a quick, simple way to make the mundane just a little more memorable.  

We do this with the made up holiday we celebrate in May honoring a piece of cloth.  With the drawing game we created that we play after dinner, and with the singing chicken birthday card my daughter and my father sent back and forth to each other for years.  We find ways to do it on a daily basis.  

Life can get so heavy if you choose to focus on that lens.   I have had plenty of heavy in my life.  I like to swing the balance in the other direction with ridiculousness.  It is what helps me cope.  It is what helps me manage through the difficult times.  Mostly, however, it is what makes life more enjoyable to me.  Why choose to cry when you can choose laughter instead?

Today we had a little incident in our office that required that I step up and play “HR Lady.”  Those who know me well know I recoil when asked to do this.  So rather than play hardass and approach it from a policy standpoint, I did it the only way I am comfortable with.  I crafted the message to be shared as direct and to the point veiled in a whole lot of humor.  Somehow this style works in the environments I choose to work.  I would likely be fired for it if I worked in a publicly traded Fortune 500 company.  I’m ok with that.  I play to my strengths.

I am exceptionally grateful that I have surrounded myself with people who make me laugh.  From the guy on my team who makes it his mission every morning to crack me up, to my daughter who I am convinced is Chris Rock trapped in an 11 year old girl’s body,  to my ability to laugh at myself on a daily basis…I need this.  

Clowns may scare the s*it out of me, but I love the real life ones in my life. ESPECIALLY during the tough days.  It’s the best healing there is.