Day 333 of The 365 Day Experiment. The Wedding.

Last night, I attended a beautiful, intimate wedding of a former work colleague. It was one of those events where the guest list was quite small, and if you are invited, you are incredibly flattered.  At least, that's how I felt.  

The groom and I met at work when I started.  He's about eighteen years my junior.  At first, we connected like I do with most every one when the company is very small.  But he became different.  As the company grew, he took an advantage of an opportunity to move abroad to London.  This turned out to be a pretty extensive set of hurdles to jump through for both he and the company, and we ended up getting to know each other well during this time.

Once he landed in London, things didn't run as smoothly as we liked.  We had some office leadership challenges and some difficulty penetrating a new market.  However, he rolled up his sleeves and dug in.  He did whatever he could to make it successful, with little direction.  And my respect for him grew immensely.  And our working relationship shifted.  He wasn't just a co-worker anymore.  I started thinking of him as my surrogate little brother.  I was invested in his success, and I was doing everything I could back in the U.S. to make sure he felt connected, informed, and supported.  I talk a lot about needing to know who has my back.  Knowing the situation he was in over there, it was really important to me that he knew I had his back.

And while it wasn't the perfect business adventure for him, he ended up living in both London and Amsterdam during that time, and meeting the love of his life.  I remember during one of our check-in meetings he introduced me to her on Skype, and how happy he seemed.  And I realized in that moment that no matter what ended up happening with his time in Europe, it was in meeting her while over there that he found his greatest success.

They moved back to Boston, and now are off to a new adventure in San Francisco at a new company.  I am so grateful that I got to share in their beautiful evening, meet their families, and catch up with some old friends. It was a lovely night, and my idea of the perfect wedding.  Surrounded by the people you love, much laughter, and everyone on the dance floor the entire night.  

I even caught the bouquet.  Unintentionally.  The bride tossed it, and it landed on the beer soaked floor.  I bent down to pick it up, just as I had bent down to pick up about three broken glasses throughout the evening.  Then I said, "oh s*it."  And then I laughed.  Who knows.  Maybe its the sign of something good to come.  Or maybe I just got to take home a beautiful arrangement of gorgeous peonies.    It's a win-win either way.

Last night warmed my heart.  Not only did I get to see someone I care about marry the woman he loves, but it was validation that my job is so much more to me than just a job.  I make connections with people that are meaningful that go way beyond the workplace.

I put my heart into my work, and it pays me back a million times over.

Day 332 of The 365 Day Experiment. Black Dogs.

I woke up and drove to work at daybreak this morning. And like I do every morning of this routine, I search for a song that will completely wake me from my lucky-if-I-got-six-hours-last-night slumber.  And this morning I landed on something awesome.  Black Dog, by Led Zeppelin.

I love this song.  It's hard not to.  Robert Plant's vocals are incredible.  John Bonham on the drums proves why he is one of the greatest ever.  And Jimmy Page's guitar prowess is just ridiculously good.  Even John Paul Jones, the bass player who always seems to be left out of the equation when people refer to the band,  contributed to - he was responsible for writing the main riff. 

There are some truly epic rock songs, but this is one of my all time favorites.  I love and appreciate the incredible talent, but even more so, the song never fails to put me in a phenomenal mood every single time I hear it.  The song is written about an aging dog who used to hang around the band' recording studio and still had his mojo…not unlike the man who was singing about it.  Amazing that a song about a dog who likes to get his groove on can stand the test of time.

And now here I sit on my couch, where I sit most nights as I write.  And over my right shoulder is another Black Dog that makes me happy for a very different reason.  I have on one of my walls a framed painting my father did from a scene inside Black Dog, the famous restaurant in Martha's Vineyard.

This place holds special significance to my family, as it is where we spent every Sunday morning for about a decade, getting up early to take a quick boat ride over to the island and a quick walk down the beach to grab some pancakes together.  It is my favorite piece by my dad, probably because of the sentimentality that it brings each time I gaze at it.  

So different, those two Black Dogs.  One, heart pumping music that wakes me up and energizes me to a place that makes me want to jump on stage and take on the world.  The other makes me want to sit back, relax with a cup of coffee or three and enjoy family and friends for as long as I can before getting kicked out before they need to turn the tables.  

Both are woven into the fabric of my past.  I am glad they existed and will celebrate when they reappear from time to time in the future.  But I don't live in the past...I'm all about looking for new breeds these days. 

Day 331 of The 365 Day Experiment. Phenomenal Woman.

My favorite female author passed away today. Maya Angelou was 86 years old, and she packed every bit of life and joy that she could find into all those years.

I discovered her books one day when I was home from school sick. I’m fairly certain that my mother had been reading one of them for a book club.  And burrowed down deep in the floral sheets of my twin bed,  I fell in love with her work.

To a white girl growing up in upper middle class suburbia, reading the candid autobiographic tales that spilled from Maya's books was mesmerizing.  Of course as an older woman, she was known as an poet, author, professor and a host of other accomplished roles.  But in her early days, she was a fry cook, a prostitute, a dancer and a civil rights activist.  I found her - and still find her - utterly fascinating.

This woman knew how to max out her life.  Though raped as a young girl by her mother's boyfriend, she was never a victim. She used her wits and talents to take advantage of every single opportunity in front of her - and created those she didn't see.  And she found a way to connect the world to her experiences through her incredible gift of words and stories.

Rest in peace, Maya.  I have mad respect for you.  You are the definition of a Phenomenal Woman.

Phenomenal Woman
By Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.

I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size   

But when I start to tell them,

They think I’m telling lies.

I say,

It’s in the reach of my arms,

The span of my hips,   

The stride of my step,   

The curl of my lips.   

I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,   

That’s me.

I walk into a room

Just as cool as you please,   

And to a man,

The fellows stand or

Fall down on their knees.   

Then they swarm around me,

A hive of honey bees.   

I say,

It’s the fire in my eyes,   

And the flash of my teeth,   

The swing in my waist,   

And the joy in my feet.   

I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That’s me.

Men themselves have wondered   

What they see in me.

They try so much

But they can’t touch

My inner mystery.

When I try to show them,   

They say they still can’t see.   

I say,

It’s in the arch of my back,   

The sun of my smile,

The ride of my breasts,

The grace of my style.

I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That’s me.

Now you understand

Just why my head’s not bowed.   

I don’t shout or jump about

Or have to talk real loud.   

When you see me passing,

It ought to make you proud.

I say,

It’s in the click of my heels,   

The bend of my hair,   

the palm of my hand,   

The need for my care.   

’Cause I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That’s me.

Day 330 of The 365 Day Experiment. Toy Box.

I have been playing with a toy "block thingy" for about a week now.  You can contort it into a variety of different positions, and it's bright and colorful and a great distraction for my hands.  What started off as funny little thing to pick up and play with while I'm on the phone has now followed me into meetings and around the office along with my computer.  Why?

I have never stopped loving toys.  I have a small toy chest on my desk with a bunch of stuff in it, and I select items on a whim.  Most of the time,  I end up giving these things away when someone says, "that's so cool!"  Unlike my preschool days when I had no interest in sharing, I quite like to share now.  For some reason, there seems to be good karma in handing over something that makes someone else smile. 

I remain one of the only women I know who grew up without a Barbie.  They never appealed to me as a kid.  Ironically, the only doll I ever remember having was a "Chrissy" doll, who had hair that "grew"…it started in a bob and then grew longer.  I only vaguely remember her, and am pretty certain I only had her because we shared the same name.  Stuffed animals were way more my thing.

I had an insane number of these plush creatures, all of whom slept with me.  I felt I had to say goodnight to every single one of them or someone would feel left out.  This lasted for years.

My brother was a Lego expert, and could build incredible structures from a pile of the little bricks.  I would try to follow directions - one of the only times I have ever followed packaged directions to anything - and still end up with 5 extra pieces.  I have an electric guitar built of Legos my daughter recently built me that taunts me.  I never could have created that.

My kids have graduated from the local toy store to now requesting more sophisticated gifts.  I, however, have not.  I'll still pop by every once in awhile to see what little fun thing I can find myself.  

And I suppose that is why I still love toys, and why I love to play.  They open us up to the childlike part of ourselves.  The part that looks past the mundane, and the part that is able to see the magical parts with endless possibilities.  

We loved that as kids.  Why would we ever want to give that up just cause we have a few more years on us?

Day 329 of The 365 Day Experiment. Carpe Diem.

An old friend share this word tonight, and it immediately struck a chord.  It's always reminded me of the being the more sophisticated version of that famous line from Risky Business, "Sometimes you've got to say "what the f*ck." Whichever phrase you use,  I have been saying this a lot since I was fifteen.  

What does it mean to "seize the day?"  To me, it means living my life as though it is not a dress rehearsal.  It means I make decisions and take actions that I think will make me happy, grow, or enhance this one life that I have. This has become even more important to me the older I've gotten.

I seized the day when I realized I needed to take control of my own life and stop looking to my parents for approval.

I seized the day when I cold called a growing company in Cambridge and convinced them they really needed a "people person."  And I didn't give up until they created a job for me. 

I seized the day when dove headfirst into a new relationship after having my heart broken because I still believe in love. 

I seized the day when I was told I had less than a 1% chance of getting pregnant.  And then followed every path I could to make it happen, until it did. 

I seized the day when I opened up, let my guard down, and shared what was going on in my life with my best friends.  This is still incredibly hard for me to do. 

I seized the day when I reconnected with a very old friend and realized sometimes friends make even better lovers.

And I am seizing the day by attempting to learn and grow about myself, in a very public way, by writing for this Experiment for a year.

When I was young, I had a plan for everything.  I quickly realized plans rarely play out as expected.  I realize that so much of my life - at least the parts that I have found the most meaningful - have come from seizing the day.  

It just requires a deep breath.  Trusting my instincts.  Letting go.  And then sitting back and seeing what happens.  And I open enough doors, I have set myself up to do this often enough to keep me feeling happy.  And when I can connect with others and get them to seize the day with me, it's just that much better. 

Over the past almost year, I have learned so much about myself, it has brought forward so many new ideas and tangents I can't wait to explore.  I have a feeling I will be doing a whole lot of day seizing in the weeks and months to come.  And I can't wait.

Carpe Diem, indeed. 

Day 328 of The 365 Day Experiment. Quiet Days.

It is a long, three day weekend.  And it's already been a long weekend for me.  

It didn't start out as I had planned.  I had planned to go away.  And when that didn't happen, I was left with a weekend to myself with no plans in front of me. 

And rather than reach out to everyone I know to fill my now-empty days, I did what I typically do when I feel "eh."  I retreated. 

Those people who laugh at me when I tell them I am an introvert would look at me this weekend and think, "oh, I get it now."  Rather than make the most of a newly free few days by filling it with barbecues and people, I decided to do the total opposite.  

It's not that I wouldn't have had a blast if was with my friends.  I know if I made the effort to get out I would.  But I'm trying to balance that with the opportunity to crush through a ton of stuff I've been putting off for weeks because I never have the time.  And my "eh" mood is being lifted a bit just by the sheer power of checking things off the list.

I've worked out.  I've napped.  I've started packing.  I shopped for my new house.  I caught up on work I've been putting off.  And most importantly, I started working on two projects that I'm excited about that had nothing to do with any of the above.  I love that.

I have one day left, and I will do my best to make the most of it before my kids get home tomorrow.  And I hope I close out this long weekend feeling a little less "eh" and a whole lot more ready to take on the beginning to summer.  Because sometimes, for me at least, I've got to take care of all the inside stuff before I am any good at all to anyone on the outside. 

And I am looking forward to a summer full of fun.  

Day 327 of The 365 Day Experiment. Desiderata.

 In 1927, Max Ehrmann wrote a poem about attaining happiness in life.  It was controversial enough that it became the subject of a hoax in 1962, and was also turned into a spoken word essay that reached the Billboard charts in the early 70's by Les Crane.  I don't really care about any of this. I just like the words and meaning.  Some of them actually don't resonate, but most of them do.  Ultimately, I think it just offers a pretty simple, positive message about life.

The title means "things that are desired."  It urges people to see the beauty and troubles of the world through wise, hopeful and compassionate eyes.  Sometimes, we all need to be reminded of that. 

I do my best to see the glass half full.  I am pretty decent at finding the positive in the negative.  Sometimes, however, I need a little inspiration.  

Life happens.  We make choices.  I think most of us do the best we can with those.  Some of these choices cause us to agonize over them.  Some  come far easier.  And at the end of the day, though some choices just need to be made to get through our everyday lives, we just try to make ones that will ultimately make us happy.  And sometimes, those are hard to make in the moment.

My parents are married for fifty years this June. My dad skipped his college graduation to marry my mom.  On the day of their wedding, they left the ceremony and departed for a cross-country road trip to California.  Being in their early twenties and with very limited funds, they didn't care; they found it romantic.  I've been teasing them because they are going to recreate that journey later early this summer.  Of course, I am sure they will do a little more upscale than they did all those years ago.  The point of the story?  They have made choices through half a century together that have lead them to a wonderful, happy life together that allows them to be in a place to celebrate this milestone together.  It's not been without challenge.  Nothing in life is.  But they stayed true to who they are, and their life together has worked for them.  I have learned much by watching them.

So tonight, I read this again.  Just needed a little inspiration.

desiderata - by max ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Day 326 of The 365 Day Experiment. Free…Take One.

I walked into a Whole Foods tonight, uninspired to cook for myself after an incredibly long week.  My kids just took off for a few days away, and my weekend plans unexpectedly changed at the last minute. I now find myself blissfully unscheduled.  I have three days to myself and I am so giddy with ideas about how to fill the time I don't even know where to begin.  I walked through the aisles grabbing dinner for one and being pretty okay with that. 

As I walked out of the store, my eye caught the bulletin board.  You know the one.  It's the one littered with flyers all over it,  the majority of which have rip off tabs along the bottom offering contact information regarding details about whatever is being offered as awesome.  "Free Kittens!"  "SAT Prep Course!"  "Drum Lessons for Kids!"  It's as though everyone is daring you to just rip off that tab and take that first step towards a better life. 

It made me want to hang up my own flyer flyer, daring people to take that first step, but in a completely different way.  My flyer would probably be a black background with a simple white font.  It would stand out among all the other plain white flyers.  And it would read:

free.  take the first step by selecting which one you need. 

and underneath, the little rip off tabs would offer just one word on each of them, rather than a name and phone number.

dedication.  hope.  love.  passion.  courage. faith.  strength.  conviction.  focus.  energy.  laughter.  reality check.  

It popped into my head because just an hour or so earlier, I was wishing a friend of mine good luck in a competition this weekend.  He has trained exceptionally hard for this, and defied nearly everyone's expectations about what is possible for a 50 year man to accomplish.  I never doubted, because I know how focused and determined he is.  Giving up is not in his DNA, and like this Experiment has been to me, this competition has been to him.  

He has publicly shared his journey along the way.  He's done it in a way that brings people in and makes them believe if he can do it, anyone can do it.  It's like he's a human flyer, daring them to rip off "dedication" from the bottom of his page and attempt a big goal themselves.  

My flyer might change daily just to keep things interesting for me.  Or maybe it would change based on my audience.  Maybe it would offer "encouragement" if I hung it in a middle school girls' locker room.  Or it would promote "passion" if I was hanging it just about anywhere.  That word is broad enough it would spark a whole bunch of interesting conversations.

Today at lunch, two of my girlfriends offered a good old fashioned "reality check."  I was already mentally there, but it was so helpful to have my thinking reinforced and validated with additional points I hadn't considered.  I took their tear-off tab eagerly, fully embracing the notion that people genuinely want to help each other out.

We all have so many gifts within ourselves that we can share with others.  Often, we don't think to share because we are too busy, or too consumed with our own lives.  But consider what one thing your flyer would promote, and consciously try to offer that out this weekend.  See if anyone rips off one of your tabs.  I bet you both feel great as a result.

Day 325 of The 365 Day Experiment. Who Are You Growing?

An old client of mine sent me a note today and referenced succession planning.  When I think about that topic, I imagine large corporations carefully identifying and developing their internal talent to fill key roles within the company.  In practice, I believe it plays out a little differently. 

I am unique in that I have only worked in hyper-growth companies that attract high energy, high aptitude people.  In that model, people might be hired for one role, but ultimately end up playing a total different one…or a different several ones.  Their intelligence, versatility and adaptability allow them to stretch and grow beyond standard expectations.  There is no standard “succession plan” that can be applied.  

I believe it’s the responsibility of every leader to constantly revaluate for the team they lead and the business they are growing.  Forget what your needs are today.  Instead, think where do you need to be next quarter?  Next year?  And how do you build the team that is going to get you there?

You do it by taking bets on people and then investing in them. 

The best leaders seem to be the ones who make it their mission to personally develop the leaders who work for them.  They understand it’s not about what you read in the latest book, or by sending someone to a conference.  The majority of it comes from personally coaching and mentoring those you bet on.  They are - not shocking to hear this from me - passionate about it.  

And when you are successful at growing other leaders, you drastically strengthen both of your chances of success.  Not only have you just developed those who can potentially step up to play your role; you may just have grown them to play other roles as well.

This isn’t just true in business.  I see examples of this in schools, with parents, with coaches, etc.  Example:  My daughters have both been blessed with a teacher who makes it her mission to ensure that every single fifth grader who steps foot into her classroom leaves the school year prepped to transition into middle school seamlessly.  These kids don’t just have the basic learning skills they require.  She’s challenged them in a host of other areas as well.  The best part?  They don’t even realize they are being challenged.  I’ve never met a child who had her who hasn’t claimed her as their favorite teacher ever.  As a result, she’s not just a teacher.  She’s a leader who is growing other young leaders.

I see parents who appear to do everything right.  They start off in the requisite toddler time playgroups, and then go on to sign them up for every after school activity, hoping to identify the child’s calling at a young age.  And yet, for some, they seem to gloss over the basic fundamental life skills.  They become so fixated on growing the “perfect kid on paper,” they forget part of the most critical part of the equation.  The ultimate goal, in my humble opinion, should be growing your children to be bright, well-rounded, contributing citizens of the world.  Sometimes remembering your kid might need to learn how to fail on the soccer field is important - because he’s going to have to learn at some point, he’s going to fail somewhere in life.  Many times over.  And he’ll need to know how to cope.  

No matter what role you play in life - be it CEO, stay at home mom, first time manager or high school student, we all have people in our lives we can help grow and develop into our next set of leaders.  By doing so, not only do we create new potential opportunities for them, but open up new potential for ourselves as well. 

So who are you growing?  I challenge every single one of us.  Pick one person to invest your time in and make a bet on.  Then watch the difference it makes.  For both of you.  

Day 324 of The 365 Day Experiment. Don't Lie On Your Resume.

I thought I had seen and heard it all. 

I thought the guy who had spent thousands on prostitutes on his corporate credit card and tried to create a story to cover it up might have been the craziest story I heard in my career.  Or maybe it was the guy who practiced home dentistry and pulled out his own wisdom teeth because he was afraid of dentists and infected his mouth so badly he couldn’t come to work for a week.  Of course, the guy who didn’t get promoted so his mother called me to complain was right up there.   But then one situation I encountered would be the one that would top them all.

Because of the nature of what I do for a living,  I need to keep an abundance of information confidential about the "interesting choices people make."   I am fortunate that when someone does something rather notable in a work environment,  I have always had teams I can turn to chuckle and say “WTF?!” with.  However, in this particular case, I will attempt to tread carefully and tell this story as a cautionary tale about lying on your resume. 

Like many companies, mine have always done background checks.  As much as it protects the company, it always provides customers a sense of comfort as well - if they ask -   they gain confidence that they are dealing with people of high integrity who hold these values of import. 

Typically, these checks can be turned around very quickly, in between the time the candidate signs his or offer letter and when he would start the job.  However, I once faced a situation where our background check vendor had a backlog and was delayed in getting us a small set of them.  They informed us as to why, and given issues so rarely happened, we were comfortable taking the risk on letting people start without the checks coming back knowing they would be in very shortly thereafter.   Bad mistake, and huge lesson learned.

When they were sent to us, one did come back flagged.  It claimed a woman had attended and graduated from a college on her resume, but there was no record of her actually having been enrolled in the school.  They had tried to verify several times, and finally gave up.  Hmmm.

So her manager and I got on the phone and called her.  We told her of the issue, and asked if she could provide proof so we could just put the whole matter behind us.  Without hesitation, she said, “Of course!  I’ll get it to you quickly!”  Great.   And yet, I was already calling bulls*it.   I felt guilty for this.  I like to believe the best in people.  But she said a few things on the phone that made me question her.  If I had been in her shoes and I had truly graduated from that school, I would have answered very differently.  But we are all different, so just let her produce the document, and let's move on. 

So we gave her 48 hours to produce “proof.”  And right before that time limit was up, we got word from her that her mother was ill.  Very ill, as in, she had had a heart attack.  Yikes!  We felt awful.  We told her to please be with her family, and we would extend her deadline for a few days.  During that time, she asked me for my fax number so she could send the information along.  And I waited.

And as that deadline approach, we got word of more horrific news.  Her mother had passed away.  How can you possibly pester someone for proof of a college degree when they are dealing with such tragedy?  I was feeling completely conflicted about how hard to push on this.  I reached out and sent her condolences, told her to take the time she needed, and to get me her documentation upon her return.  The funeral was to be Monday, and she’d return to work two days later.  As long as she could produce proof by then, we’d be good. 

And that Wednesday morning, I woke up to a diploma scanned into my inbox.  And I stared at it.  And I stared some more.  And then I flipped it over to our in-house lawyer and said, “What do you think?...because I think something doesn't look right about this.”  And then he called me.

 “You are right,” he suggested.  “How do you know?” I asked.  “Because the year of graduation is a decade ago.  The governor who signed this diploma has only been in office a few months.”  Oh, snap.  Busted.   We decided to move forward with termination.  It’s one thing to lie on your resume. Maybe be a class or two short of graduation, but still clam victory.  But it's quite another to claim to graduate from a school when you never stepped foot on the campus, and even worse when you manufacture a document to perpetuate the lie.  All trust is completely lost at this point. 

I call her cell phone to discuss with her.  It goes to voicemail, and I ask her to call me.  Moments later, I receive an email.  “I am at my mother’s funeral,”  it plainly states.  Wait…HOLD UP.  Say that again?! 

Didn’t you tell me you were burying your mother on Monday?  Is it possible that this chick didn’t just lie about her education.  Would she actually lie about her mother dying to try to cover her tracks?!

The next 10 minutes did not represent a pretty side of me.  I was so disgusted that this could possibly be true, I was on a mission to prove her mother was alive and ok.  So that’s what I did with the help of one of my teammates.  With a little creative digging…BAM.  We found her mother.  And then I called her.

And a woman answered the phone.  My heart started racing.

“Is this X?” I asked.

“It is."

“Are you the mother of Y?” I tentatively asked.

 “Yes.”

At this point, I realize she must be freaked out that a stranger is calling her, asking these questions.  So I then said, “I am Christina Luconi.  I work with your daughter.  She suggested something might have happened to you, but it sounds like you are doing fine.  I am sorry to have bothered you.  

She can fill you in about the nature of this when you speak with her.  Thank you for our time.”

And with that, my jaw officially dropped. 

I was dumbstruck.  Who the f suggests the death of their own mother to cover a lie?  Grandparents get targeted all the time for these types of reasons, but a mother?  Wow.  Just WOW.

So I tried the girl's phone again.  Still no answer.  So this time, I left a message.  I have never had to terminate someone over the phone before, let alone by voicemail.  There was no way she was ever going to return my call at this point.  I know she understood the walls were closing in.  I was not happy. And I am not certain she was happy to receive it.  It went something like this.

 “Z,  I just had a lovely chat with your mom, who I am so glad to report is happy and healthy back home.  Unfortunately, we are terminating your relationship with the company, effective immediately.   For what it’s worth, the dead mother is totally out of line.  But the falsified resume is the primary reason.  If you are going to produce fake proof for someone, at least get the facts correct.  I wish you the best.”

Moral of the story:  Do not lie on your resume.  I can spot that s*it from a million miles away.  If you are going to falsify info, ensure that the information is at least accurate.   Better said, don’t play me for a fool.  I am patient, and I will come for you.  Why?  Because I care about the companies I help to build.  Together we build amazing places to work, filled with an amazing teams of people.  Don’t mess with that.  Ever.  

Day 323 of The 365 Day Experiment. Buried Treasure.

As I prepare to pack up my house to move down the street, I have found all kinds of trash to recycle…and all kinds of treasures I had lost.  It’s been fun to find pictures and drawings from the kids from their preschool days, and stacks of CDs from when I didn’t listen to all my music through Spotify.  I also found some jewelry my grandmother had left me before she passed away last year.

My father’s mother loved gold jewelry and shoes.  I used to love when she would come to visit us from Rome when I was a child. She would let me try on both, and I felt like a tiny glamourous Sophia Loren.  I grew up keeping the shoe obsession, but grew to develop a fondness for silver instead.  So when she left me a box of some special gold pieces, I lovingly tucked them away, just happy that she had thought of me. 

I came across that box once again this weekend, and opened it to investigate its contents.  In the midst of gold hoops and seventies-style brooches, I found a tiny gold serpent ring, with incredibly small emerald eyes.  It struck me that it looked so out of place with all this other more refined jewelry.  Is it possible my grandmother had been a bit of a badass?  That she might have had a bit more sass to her than I ever realized?

So I took it out of the box, and I put it together with the tiny skull ring my daughters had bought for me.  For some reason, the two of them seem to go together.  At least Gianna seems to think so.  And so now my “ring finger” has become my “celebrate the important women in my life” finger, with the gifts they have given me.

Funny, at first I really missed my big diamond.  Of course, I missed it because of what it represented, but also because it was a beautiful ring.  It has been replaced by some things that aren’t nearly as sparkly, but so meaningful.  

Good tradeoff. 

Day 322 of The 365 Day Experiment. Reality Check Club.

I loved the movie Fight Club.  Yes, of course it was because Brad Pitt looked pretty great with his shirt off and a couple of bruises.  However, it was the very concept of Fight Club being a metaphor for people pushing past the walls they put around themselves and just going for it.  So tonight, I'm playing my own version of Tyler Durden.  Welcome to Reality Check Club. 

Think you want in? Welcome to the Rules of Reality Check Club.  

1st Rule:  You don't come here unless you are ready to look in the mirror and face some tough truths.

2nd Rule: You are willing to stop living in unrealistic fantasies.  You will not let them rule your life and you will understand what is real and what is not.

3rd Rule: You realize there are only a few simple ways to respond to any given problem:

1. You solve the problem.

2. You change how you look at the problem.

3. You learn to live with the problem.

4. You stay completely miserable.  

5. Or finally, you can make things worse.  

4th Rule: We don't judge in this club - but - Reality Check: We tend to lose respect for people who chose options 4 and 5 in Rule 3.  But they are options. 

5th Rule: You accept the fact that if you join the club, you are setting yourself up to no longer ignore the fact you want to make a change in your life. You will stop fantasizing, stop wishing and face reality. You might even shed a few tears along the way.

Should you join this club, you will learn you are tougher than you know. Pain only lasts a brief time.  Just like bruises.  So come join us.  Brad Pitt isn't a member. Yet. 

Day 321 of The 365 Day Experiment. Happiness Is A Journey...

…not a destination.

An old friend sent me that quote today.  I've subscribed to a different version of it,  "Life's a journey…, " but never heard the same applied to happiness.  And yet, how obviously appropriate.

What the heck does it mean to be happy anyway?  Accordingly to Webster's, to be happy - by definition of mood -  means:

1. delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing: to be happy to see a person.2. characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy: a happy mood; a happy frame of mind.

So how happy are people really?  According to the Center for Disease Control, about 12% of the country is on some form of anti-depressant.   12% percent of the country?  Yikes.  And yet a more disturbing statistic,   according to CBS Atlanta, is that 70% of this country are on at least one prescription drug, and more than half receive at least two prescriptions.  Researchers from the Mayo Clinic, the non-profit medical and research center, report that antibiotics, antidepressants and painkiller opioids are the most common prescriptions given to Americans.  Clearly, serious forms of depression and mental health challenges need to be treated and addressed.  However, I have got to imagine not everyone taking all this medication is on an equal playing field.  I've known plenty of people on anti-depressants who are not clinically depressed. So let me separate out the non-seriously ill people and focus on those just needing to "find their happiness."

Let's assume at our core, everyone wants to be happy. Gretchen Rubin has lead a movement starting with her best-seller "The Happiness Project." Oprah hosted numerous shows on this topic.  There are lots of so-called happiness experts popping up.  With so many people seeking treatment, there sure seems to be a huge market to address it from a non-medical perspective.  But how do we find our own happiness?

The guy I used to be married to once told me, "I don't think you will ever be happy."  That was one of the comments that made me realize it was the beginning of the end for us.  It proved to me after almost two decades, he still didn't totally understand me.  I've always been a pretty happy person.  What he confused that with was satisfaction and personal challenge.   Ever since he made the comment, however, it's made me acutely aware of exactly how happy I am.  Or, at least how I interpret happiness.

For me, I consider the different dimensions of my life.  My kids. My work.  My relationships. (love, friends, family) My health. My interest/project/challenge of the moment.  All those things need to be in balance, or at least prioritized consciously. 

And then I add in important, gut-level infrastructure that supports all of this and allows it to happen.  My attitude.  My humor.  My sense of fun.  And, of course, one of my biggest drivers, my passion. 

All these things are interconnected for me.  I think about them often, and when something is off-kilter, I work hard to rebalance it.  I suppose I am not unlike the classic Mustangs my brother worked so hard to rebuild and restore when he was in high school.  The outer shell might look pretty good, but you have to really know its unique inner workings to understand how to make it function at its peak.  I've figured out that formula for myself at this point in my life.  Shockingly, it's not all that complex.  Maybe I myself am a little complex, but the formula isn't.  I just need to fuel all those pieces.  That is what keeps me happy.

So yes, I agree.  Happiness is a journey, not a destination.  I love that my journey continues to have lots of twists and turns, and is never fully in balance.  It keeps things interesting and challenging.  And, thankfully,  there is so much good in my life, there is always something to be happy about.  

Day 320 of The 365 Day Experiment. Other People's Brilliance.

I got an a rare gift today.  My friend and I did a kid swap.  She took my children for the afternoon, and I took hers this evening for a sleepover.  We both win, the kids win, everybody wins.   

I dropped off my kids and immediately thought of all the errands I had to do.  And then I did exactly one of them.  I thought to myself, I rarely have time to myself like this.  Rather than waste it doing things that I can check off the list tomorrow, I will do something I never get to do alone.  So I drove straight home, plopped on the couch, and fell asleep immediately.  And when I awoke twenty minutes later, I rented a movie. 

Typically, if I watch tv, I have to be doing something else.  Writing, drawing, working, etc.  The constant need to multitask takes over and I can never truly pay attention and enjoy the moment.  So today, I challenged myself to do just that.  And I succeeded. 

I rented "Her."  It was both deeply disturbing and highly watchable at the same time.  It's about a newly separated guy who falls in love with his artificial intelligent operating system.  It sounds far fetched, and yet, as the movie goes on, you watch them build an actual relationship.  Sort of. 

The movie offers some amazing acting, and some incredible lines.  For me, one of the best is when Joaquin Phoenix (the male lead, Theodore) meets his ex wife to finally sign their divorce papers.  When she asks if he is seeing anyone and he offers that he is dating his OS, she responds, "You always wanted to have a wife without the challenges of actually dealing with anything real and I'm glad that you found someone. It's perfect."  It stops him in his tracks. 

While seemingly an improbable story, I couldn't stop thinking about the writer and director of this movie, Spike Jonze.  He won an Oscar for Best Screenplay for this work.  I love that.  This guy, who was first known for directing music videos (remember that awesome Beastie Boys Sabotage video?  That was him) and for making funny cameos in Jackass movies completely upped his game and wrote something completely thought provoking and brilliant.  And that stopped me in my tracks.

When I was younger, I used to be envious of surface level things.  Who looked better in their jeans, or who got into a better school.  That stuff is so meaningless to me now.  With age not only comes wisdom, but also perspective.  Now, my attention is focused on those who can create.  I admire people who have talents so much broader and bigger than my own.   Rather than envy them, I am both inspired and challenged by them.  They get me to up my own game, and to push the boundaries of what I believe is possible in myself. 

Looks like three hours to myself did me some good.  

Day 319 of The 365 Day Experiment. The Ring Leader.

For years, people have told me "you should write a book," based on all the crazy stories I have encountered over the years in my job. Yesterday was the first day I actually lent credence to that idea. 

This week, I felt like a ticket machine should have been installed outside of my office door, like those you find at deli counters.  I jumped from one ridiculous incident to another.  And while they were interspersed with "real work," these challenges left my team and I, on a notable number of occasions, saying "did that really just happen?"  Candidly, we were a little more graphic than that. 

I want to see the best in people.  I try not to be overly judgmental.  And yet, sometimes, when I think I've seen or heard it all, people still surprise me.  I repel rules and structure because I try to build and create environments run by adults where people are treated like adults.  But then one or two people take advantage and you realize why those rules are needed.  And it really pisses me off, because they mess it up for everyone else.

I believe in the best of people. I believe people are inherently good.  I also believe there are some people who like to see what they can get away with in life.  They take shortcuts, or they cheat, or they lie.  Or they do whatever they think is right for them.  They should not work with me.  

I am far from perfect.  I make mistakes, and I know a thing or two about pushing boundaries. I also know a thing or two about controlling chaos.  I am the ring master in the circus that is hyper growth.  I know how to help have three different acts going on in the same arena so they don't bump into each other and everyone gets to shine.  But if one of the circus members puts the whole act in jeopardy by doing their own stunt, the whole circus is in trouble.  And I will then toss my top hat aside and crack the whip.

I hate this part of the job.  Fortunately, it's just a small fraction of it.  I clearly prefer the designing of the circus itself.  I enjoy choosing which acts that will thrive, and getting to develop them to bring out greatness they didn't even know they were capable of.  Keeping the order of the circus comes with the territory, but it feels more like sweeping of the s*it after the elephants perform.  It is not glamourous, and it is not fun.  And yet, it's part of the job.

So let me me help you and vice versa, fellow performers.  If you work with me, you can perform for yourself but you must also think broader;  you must think team too.  When you make bad decisions personally, you must think about how they will affect your great team, and the company.  Worse, by the time you end up having to deal with me, things have gotten pretty bad.  And I'm likely in damage control mode.  That's not a good place for any of us to be.

Yes, I've been intentionally vague, because I would and could never share current people issues.  However, I am fortunate to work with an amazing group of people doing incredible things.  We are building a fantastic company together.  It's an experience I hope every business person gets to participate in at least once in their career.  That is why I hate when anyone - anyone - messes with that magical circus.   

Day 318 of The 365 Day Experiment. If I Were Gay...

…I probably would have come screaming out of the closet at age 3.

Today while looking at a picture of an open door on my office wall,  I had an incredible realization. My whole life,  I thought of myself as an intensely private person. Today I realized perhaps that is not the case.

If I were intensely private, I would not share fundamental truths about myself that I’ve always shared with no challenge whatsoever.  Where I have considered myself privacy challenged, however,  is sharing the details that make up an everyday life. This has bothered me all afternoon.

For example, how is it possible that I can be so upset at my parents for sharing small bits of information about my life with their friends and yet be comfortable sharing my deepest, inner-most gut wrenching thoughts with the outside world? It’s not just been this way since starting this Experiment.  I have always been ok with the bold admissions and speaking my mind about what’s going on inside of it.

I just can’t figure out why that might be. Maybe there is something to the doors that I love so symbolically. I have always been intrigued by open doors because to me they represent opportunity and limitless possibilities. What about closed doors though?  If I think of them, I think I think of being closed off; or boxed off.  Like in a closet.  That “coming out of the closet” expression is typically reserved to describe gay people making their big announcement, but can’t it really applied to any of us? In the closet,  we are all safe with our secrets.  The ones that burden us from allowing the world - or the people who we try to keep them from - from truly knowing who we are. 

Perhaps I live my life backwards from many people. For some ridiculous reason, I will choose to come screaming out of the closet with some of the most intimate details of my life and yet still be self-conscious about sharing small details about basic non-important details that are meaningless to know one but me. . I cannot figure out why that would be. Except for maybe this reason. 

I try to live authentically.  Since the age of about fourteen, when I had to learn to reinvent myself (See Day 100 for that story), I stopped worrying what people think of me.  I don’t worry if what I do or say is popular or cool, accepted or rejected.  I care that it feels like the right thing for me to do. I have always been very open about how I make decisions and how I view the world.  That feeds my directness. And I try hard to balance it with compassion and empathy, so I am not a world class b*tch in the delivery.  At the end of the day, however, I pushed  the door pretty open in my life and proclaimed “This is who I am, for better or worse.  Take it or leave it.” And obviously some, as we have seen over the last year or so, have chosen to leave it.

The little, stupid, non-important details that I have always concerned “private,” however?  How foolish I have been.  No one cares who I date, or how I spend my time, for example. The only reason I can come up with for being so adamant about keeping these things quiet is based on keeping control of my life.  Just as I do not want the press to distort my words when I write for business, I do not want people to distort my details. by gossiping about my life. So I suppose I would rather just not have them have access to the information, or just ask me directly.  Add to that, I the feeling like I give so much of myself to so many - at work, as a mom, etc. - that to keep some small details for myself just makes me feel like they are just a little more precious.

Or, really, who the hell knows?  I’m just guessing at this point.

I challenge all of us, however, to open the door to the closet.  Every one of us has conversations in our lives that need to be had and details that need to be shared.  Announcements that need to be screamed.  And you know what?  The world looks so much brighter when you are looking outside a door that’s open and full of possibilities than inside a dark closet with just your imagination filled with with “what ifs’.”

Dare ya.

Day 317 of The 365 Day Experiment. Human Jenga

As I drove to work this morning, Aerosmith blasted through my speakers. I’ve always liked "Livin on The Edge", but this morning it took on new meaning for me.

I've often expressed how I enjoy chaos, and trying to balance the different elements of my life.  It somehow keeps me focused and interested.  And yet, recently, it's made me start to question what's truly important to me. I've been stacking up projects and priorities like I'm playing a game of "Human Jenga".

Normally, this is kind of fun and challenging for me.  This Human Jenga of how many things I can take on and attempt to accomplish or make a dent in before something starts to fall out of balance is like my own form of a challenge on Survivor.  I get amped up about how I can better my time and ability with each run through.  And sometimes I stumble and knock the pieces over.  I'm okay with that.  I just get up and quickly reassemble them and start over. 

It's occurred to me, however, it's not the pieces in the Jenga game that I am wanting to reconfigure.  It's the game itself.  I've been playing this game for a really long time, and there are only so many ways to stack the pieces.  Sometimes, you need to switch it up and play Monopoly.  Or just create a new game altogether.  

No, I'm not leaving my job, nor am I doing anything drastic.  I am, however, seriously considering rewriting the script.  I am, after all, the lead character in the movie of my life.  As the star, the screenwriter, and the producer, it is up to me to change the ending if I don't like the way the third act is shaping up.

Hi, my name is Christina, and I am a change addict.