As any parent will confess, there is no handbook that guides you for what goes along with having a baby and raising a child. If you are lucky, you can rely on a strong network of support from family and friends who have been through it before. You can read and brief yourself on what's to come. You might think you know stuff, but then reality hits…you literally know nothing. You give birth, and then BAM! Instant family. You are now responsible for another life who is totally reliant on you. No pressure.
My friend and co-worker is about to give birth for the first time. I am so excited for her. In honor of her, I share some of my favorite moments over the last thirteen years. No "What To Expect When You Are Expecting" book or any helpful hints from my mom could have ever prepared me for this.
1) Like when I was in labor with my first child and didn't know it. My water had broken, but I thought I had just become incontinent as yet just another awesome side effect of being insanely pregnant. Nope. I ended up with pre-eclempsia and was really sick. One hour after a whiny phone call to the doctor to complain about my latest symptom and an emergency C-section later I had a new daughter. Surprise!
2) You think you've got the diaper changing thing down, and then your kid has what can only be called an "explosion." There is poop everywhere. You never figure out how a 9 pound person who is lying in a car seat can actually get poop to cover the entire length of their body, from the foot of their onesie all the way to their hair. You will not have enough baby wipes to clean this disaster when it first occurs, and you will ultimately have to cut your kid out of the outfit and then throw the clothes away. You may want to toss the car seat. Once this disaster is over, you will open a bottle of wine to toast your success.
3) You will have survived the ritual long nights as every parent does, and congratulate yourself on your official joining of the ranks. You haven't been promoted yet though. That happens when your child awakens in the middle of the night with a blood curdling scream, alerting you of their horrific earache/fever/(insert medical ailment). You will be able to do little to comfort them until the pain medication kicks in. You feel helpless and like you are failing your child. And then they feel better…until they projectile vomit on you. And then you don't feel helpless anymore. At this point, you are seriously wondering - albeit briefly - why the hell you every signed up for this.
4) You finally get your kid potty trained. Sort of. They ALMOST have it. Except when they have an accident. You know, at a really inconvenient place, when you don't have a change of clothes for them. Because you thought they had this.
5) Your kid becomes THAT kid. The kid that lays down in the middle of the mall, in the center of all the people traffic and absolutely freaks out. You don't know whether to scream, laugh, cry or all of the above. So you ride it out, and pray to god it doesn't happen again.
6) You actually use the phrase "because I said so." You tell yourself you aren't going to do or say some of the things that drove you crazy about your own parents, and then you find yourself understanding why they did them. Sometimes you just don't have a better answer. Or you just give up.
7) The day you are giving your kid a bath, and you turn for a moment, only to be tapped and then presented with a gift. That gift is a giant ball of poop. It is literally being handed to you by your two year old. Once you realize what it is, you are both horrified at what you are holding and absolutely fascinated at the fact that a baseball sized object could come out of a body that small without screaming involved. And then you go vomit.
I could go on with this forever. The good thing with these memories, is like labor, it's over relatively quick. The craziness is so far outweighed by the sheer joy our children bring us on a daily basis. My life is full because of my daughters. Without question, they are the best thing I've got going. They offer me laughter, challenge, learning, pride, and love.
What's a little "explosion" if you've got that to look forward to?
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