The man I was married to for close to two decades is now engaged to another woman. This has been a big topic of conversation in my house since announced last week, as my daughters have many questions. Candidly, I don’t have all the answers for them; they are his to answer. I have one important one though. Yes, I am happy for Daddy. Truly. He has found someone he loves, and they are forming a new life together. And as someone I care about, I think that’s great.
Which has left my kids with another pressing question. ”Mom, when are you going to get remarried?” That was met with some laughter on my part.
I’ve got to admit, that might be the absolute last thing on my to-do list right about now. While the thought of a happy, healthy relationship is certainly appealing, I can’t even comprehend the thought I committing to something legally and forever right now. But then I started thinking…why the hell are my girls probing me about this?
So I asked them. And their answer was surprising. “When we go to college we don’t want you to be alone.” Well, that happened. After I was done being overwhelmed by their incredibly empathy and kindness, I thought about their words when I was alone in my bed that night.
I had responded to them with the same reply I have since their dad and I split. ”I don’t have the need to ever get married again.” And I explained it to them because for me, marriage meant not just making a commitment to someone, but being with someone to build a family, have children, etc. I had already done that. I had them. I had no need to recreate that dynamic.
I reexamined that response though. While I certainly believe that explanation to be true, I fear there is more behind it. If I avoid marriage it’s not just the legal stuff I’m avoiding. I’m sure there is something to the notion that if I avoid the concept of marriage, I avoid the potential of getting hurt again. And that’s messed up thinking.
I am fearless. I am the girl who has dove head into the world of dating with reckless abandon. I’m totally open to being with someone special, or so I have convinced myself. But the reality of that - or at least a long term reality of that? That is a scary prospect.
I pride myself on being fearless. When I find myself not living up to that expectation I set for myself, I face it head on. Like clowns. I loathe clowns. I’ve got two vintage Italian posters hanging in my home. They feature clowns. I am forced to look at them everyday. I still hate clowns, but these two guys don’t scare me anymore because I found a creative way to deal with that which freaks me out . A twisted approach, but it’s how I tackle my fears. I own them. And then I crush them so they don’t crush me.
I have no idea if marriage will ever be in the cards for me in the future. I still am not sure if I care about the piece of paper, or the need to be legal again. Marriage or not, I now realize to ever allow myself to ever be in a fulfilling, loving, long-term relationship, I need to be able to jump out of the plane and trust my chute will open.
There are no guarantees in life. I hope to have the chance to jump at some point, and realize I may get hurt again. And you know what? I’m sure it will be worth it. In the immortal words of Lenny Kravitz, “Let Love Rule.”
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