A milestone hit today, reaching Day 200. Ironic that my topic is coinciding with a Friday, which is normally my “free night.” I typically relish the opportunity to make plans and get out to enjoy my freedom without children. Tonight I can’t. I feel lousy. I thought I was catching a cold, but it really might just be reality catching up with me.
I feel broken today. I don’t feel broken because I have a stuffy nose and weary muscles. I feel broken because I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and I’m in the process of trying to rebalance it. And that weight is hurting my previously broken shoulder. It’s not a pity party, and there is nothing anyone can do to help me. It’s just one of those moments. It will pass.
Perhaps it is because all within the past two weeks, my ex has announced his engagement, his name is now off the deed to “my” house, and our divorce papers arrived in the mail. Talk about closure.
In addition, I’m having one of those weeks when I feel like I just can’t catch up at work. I have so many projects going on, and I just can’t find the hours to complete them. And then when I get home, I can’t take my coat off before my beloved children descend upon me with their daily tales. I wouldn’t trade that for anything…but to transition my moods and thoughts so quickly is exhausting. Especially these last few weeks.
So tonight I sit at home. I am happy not to be out, enjoying a new restaurant or out at a concert. I am lounged on my couch, snuggled in a blanket, fireplace ablaze. For the first time in awhile, I am alone. And I am enjoying the solitude, and the ability to get lost in my thoughts. I’ve allowed myself to take a deep breath and get sad at the closure, and then smile at its completeness. And I’ve allowed myself to relax, finally, and open my computer just to write, and not work. Not tonight. Tonight, for one night, it can just be about me.
I am not unlike Rocky Balboa, albeit in chick form…and hopefully a tad more articulate. I am striving to go the distance, and I will do so to keep my self respect. I may have moments of getting knocked down, but I will always come back up swinging. And I will keep “training” to keep bettering my game in all aspects of my life. So tonight I might feel like I’m sitting on a stool in the corner with a broken nose, but tomorrow morning I know I will wake up with that nose reset, bruises faded, and gloves laced back up tight.
And I will triumph.
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