I was in Staples yesterday afternoon and my kids were playing with that insanely irritating "Easy" button. Which immediately brought to mind the one they really enjoy finding in stores; the knockoff "No" button. The first time they saw one, they stood there and pressed that thing no less than twenty times each. I have never wanted to physically toss an object across a store before until that shopping trip.
What struck me about that moment, however, was what drew them to the word "No." It's a three year old's favorite word; a first toe-dipping into independence and testing of boundaries. Thankfully, they outgrow it…at least for awhile. But it would appear the older we get, the more difficult it becomes. Why is that?
I believe we live in a culture of "yes." To say yes means to be collaborative, and open minded. It suggests you are helpful. It might even mean you are willing to take on new challenges or reach out of your comfort zone.
To say "no," however, might suggest that you are negative. Maybe you are risk-averse. Maybe you've got an attitude of some sort.
"No" doesn't need to be negative though. "No" can be incredibly empowering. As in "No, I'm sorry I can't join that committee for the 5th grade graduation. It's just too much of a time commitment and I know I wouldn't do it justice. But I would be happy to help out on x, y or z." Or maybe it's "No, I don't want to go out with you again. I appreciate the thought, but sending me slew of obscene texts after our first date kind of tells me I'm not the girl for you."
"No" can be your moment. "No" can become your ability to take back the anxiety that prevents you from leaning in and standing tall, and erase the need for excuses. Why?
Because it speaks to our personal integrity and responsibility. While we of course need to communicate, interact and rely on others in our daily lives, we do not and cannot be influenced by them at all times. By taking control of what we will or will not allow ourselves to do, we each own our own lives.
Of course, we need to learn to say "no" to ourselves too. I may want to redecorate every room in my house, but is that the most financially responsible thing to do all at once? Of course not. One thing at a time. Telling myself "no" on overspending keeps me on track (at least most of the time.)
Like with almost everything in life, balance is critical. Too many "yes's", you'll be miserable and overwhelmed. Too many "no's", and you are likely to really be pushing the boundaries of stubbornness and opposition. Plus, you'll come across as a jerk to people you probably care about.
"No" is powerful. "No" is important. It can keep you focused on your own mission in life, and prevent you from being taken advantage of by others. Just be mindful of how you use it. Even if you feel strongly about your conviction, no one likes to be said no to. Sometimes it can lead to conflict, and sometimes it can harm relationships.
And the end of the day, however, I understand why my kids loved that "No" button so much. We all want the ability sometimes to just say "no" with that much ease. No consequences, no hurt feelings. With a little thought and care, it can be done. And that "No" can set you free.
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