An incredibly respected old colleague reached out tonight and asked if he could provide a word. It was solipsism. I knew I would write about it before I looked it up in my bookmarked online dictionary. I had no idea what the word meant, but if this guy was proactively throwing it out there as a challenge, I knew it would be thought provoking.
And then I read the meaning. The first definition was "the extreme form of skepticism which denies the possibility of any knowledge other than one's own existence." Hmm. I'm not sure where to go with that. And then I read the second definition.
"Extreme preoccupation with and indulgence of one's feelings, desires, etc.; egoistic self-absorption." I'm going to go out on a limb and choose to think this is the definition he had in mind when he tossed this word at me.
My first thought was "Thanks, friend. Why not just call me an ego maniac to my face rather than proactively invite me into the town square and ask me to address the townspeople to proclaim my thoughts on this?
And my second thought was to choose not to be offended. I chose that for one really important reason. I'm not. I Until 250 Days ago, almost none of you would have know any of the nuggets of information that I have chosen to share. Not only was I intensively private with many, I was pretty private with myself. I didn't allow myself to indulge in the fantasies of "what if" or hold myself accountable to truly max my life out. In essence, I don't connect myself with this word.
I chose to do this Experiment as strictly that. A personal Experiment to see if as a really private person I could put myself out there in an entirely different way and maybe learn something along the way. By making it public in the form of a blog, it was my way of holding myself accountable. Whether anyone ever chose to read it or not was never the driver. I am not a writer. I do not actively pursue ways to market this or attract followers. I am just a girl trying to accomplish an incredibly personal goal. The fact that I put it out there for the world to read, judge and comment on is just the downside - and upside - of having chosen to take this project on.
So if I make his word about me, which it is hard not to given he proactively gave it to me and the nature of this Experiment, I can understand why it might appear I am a bit of a solipsist. And yet, I actually don't see myself this way at all.
Yes, this is an outlet to share what's going on in my head. One of the things that lead me to this place in life, however, if that I've spent the majority of my life preoccupied with how I am making others feel. My children, my love, my friends, my co-workers, my work. I have historically spent so much time and energy trying to make sure everyone else is happy, I learned I had put myself last on the list. It amazes me that I went for so many decades without totally understanding that. And it was a really painful lesson when I realized people who know me well had been trying to point that out, and I just didn't get it. You can teach an old dog new tricks however. I certainly don't have the ability to put myself first right now, but at least I have put myself on the list.
We all deserve to be on the list.
And yet none of us can overdue it.
We live in an age where it's easy for people for become self absorbed and overly indulgent in their own lives. And while I don't think I have ever met anyone struggling with the first definition of the word - that the knowledge of anything outside one's own mind is unsure - there are a whole lot of people living in their own heads right now. Why?
Maybe it's our age. We know we are halfway (give or take) done in life, and we want to contemplate our choices. All of them.
Maybe it's access to information. With social media, we are all so exposed to so much more than we ever were. Through tweets, posts, pictures, etc. we learn about other people's worlds. Our minds have the opportunity to become expanded when we see what our peers are doing with their lives, and it causes us to go deep on questioning our own.
Candidly, I have no idea. I'm not a philosopher, nor a psychologist. I just know life is about balance. I've learned it's important to interact with others who play critical roles in your lives, but it's just as important to stay true to yourself. And, at least in my case, that all begins with knowing yourself and understanding your needs and drivers to get you to your happiest place in the construct of these other people.
I have no clue what my friend had on his mind when he sent this word idea and I am eager for him to share his own interpretation with me. For the first time, I have zero confidence about how I approached this one. But that's silly. It's my project. I own it, and I can approach however it made sense to me. Thankfully, I'm not graded.
And so now that I know what this word means, I'm intrigued, and want to learn more. So I did some digging. I found a book by Henry Rollins of Black Flag fame that was fairly well regarded called The Solipsist, published in 1998. He's pretty raw, and while times have changed a bit since it first came out, I'm guessing it provides a pretty interesting take. I'm looking forward to his take.
And my friend's.
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