While nothing makes me happier than celebrating the victories - small and large - of my teams, my kids and those around me, I am personally horrible at celebrating my own successes.
No sooner was I done with a major year long passion project at work, I spent last night plotting what would take its place. Literally as soon as the leftover prosecco was put away (yep, I kept a bottle) after the company toast, I was back to the grind.
I spent a bit of time on my ride home today trying to figure out why I do this. I certainly understand it's important for those around me. It's a fantastic reminder to understand why the goal was set in the first place. It's a great motivator to remember that we can accomplish anything we set our minds to. It's a great unifier for a team to acknowledge positive results. And of course, it's great for all to recognize they are playing for a winning team.
So what makes me keen to do with for others but not for myself? I think I figured it out.
I derive serious pleasure from seeing others thrive, succeed and accomplish goals. I love seeing the sense of pride and accomplishment they feel at a job well done. And maybe it's because I'm surrounded primarily by people who are younger than me (my kids and co-workers) but to watch them building their confidence by getting these wins makes me almost happier than the win itself.
But for me, the end of a goal or project marks just marks "the end." And I associate endings with sadness. I find it really difficult to work so hard on something only to have it come to an end and say goodbye to it. Example: 15 years ago, the company I worked for became part of my soul. I literally lived, breathed and slept it, to an incredibly unhealthy level. I believed I needed to immerse myself fully to practice what I preached. And when I finally decided it was time for me to go, because I realized how unhealthy it had become for me, I was not unlike a cult member needing to be deprogrammed. I had lost myself. I vowed never again.
Now, I keep the balance. And perhaps I've found with a little age and experience comes far more wisdom. Not only am I playing a similar role to the one I was playing those years ago, but I am playing it in a completely different way. Far more objective. Far less emotional. And of course, just as passionate, outspoken and driven as always, because some parts of you never change.
And I suppose the celebration thing has been the untended side effect of that disconnection. Always look ahead, never behind. Always have something to look forward to, rather than something to say goodbye to. Because as my father once told me, "we all need to feel relevant." And I suppose in my mind, relevance is only as good as your last accomplishment.
This is the craziness that exists in the Mind of Luconi. I don't hold or judge anyone else by this, just myself. It is incredibly awkward to write down, as it has sat in my own head all these years, never discussed with anyone. Anyone. And here, in this insane project, I share. And because I promised myself I would be honest in this Experiment, I am being candid. I feel extraordinarily exposed as I type, and wish desperately to delete my words. I will not, because to do so would be to lower that bar for myself.
And as I inch closer to the end of this Experiment, I think not about what I will do to acknowledge its completion. It's a forgone conclusion to me I will ride it out until the end as I promised myself that I would. There will be no "I am going to Disney World!" moment on Day 365 when I hit the final post button. Instead, I am certain I will already be on to what will take its place.
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