My brilliant brother is a product designer. When we were kids, he wanted to use those skills to be a car designer. And like the Italian designers Ferrari and Lamborghini before him, he had a vision of having a shiny Luconi on the road when he grew up. And I would have gladly traded my beloved Porsche obsession for a car that held our name. Unfortunately, that dream of his never panned out, though he's gone on to design some pretty amazing things.
Which leads me to tonight. For the first time in I don't remember how long, I am home tonight. Alone. No plans, except for this writing. And as much as I hate to admit that to myself, I needed it.
It's been a very long, mostly good week at work. I accomplished much more than normal in my new single office, but am missing the brainstorming, collaboration and just plain joking around that came with sharing. That, and I am separated from my team by a floor. That part sucks, but it keeps me actively all around the office all day, which is a good thing. I'm finding new ways to work and interact with people which our new space has configured to help us to do brilliantly. But all change requires a shift in behaviors and that takes effort and energy.
And today I spent trying to play the dual role of good mom and working from home as my kids had a half day. It was great to make them feel special by dropping them off at school rather than having them take the bus, or grab lunch together before they took off for their afternoon with friends. I'm grateful for those extra moments we get together. Anything out of our normal routine we all seem to appreciate, because we all realize it doesn't happen often. And when it does, it gives me those moments of mommy guilt. While I know a ride to school in the morning isn't worth tossing a career away for, anything that makes your child feel special and gets you a few extra minutes in the car with them and confessing a new nugget of info is time worth spending. I love those few extra minutes, and try to create the moments whenever I can find. It's such hard work to keep it a priority every single day.
And then they got picked up for a night with their dad. A bit later than I was expecting, so the dinner plans I had with some of my team I couldn't make. At first I was really disappointed, and then I took it as a sign. I needed a break. Badly. It started this morning when my alarm went off and I quickly reset it so I could get an extra hour and a half in bed rather than going the gym. I was initially pissed at myself, but then forgave. And then this afternoon, before a conference call, I realized I was so tired, I set my alarm so I could take a seven minute power nap before my phone was to ring. And I passed out immediately.
And then there was tonight. My goal was to write as soon as the kids left so I could be done early and enjoy a quiet night, maybe rent a movie, read or do something I don't usually get to do. And what happened? They walked out the door, I sat on the couch to write, and passed out for two hours with my computer in my lap.
I am getting a pretty clear signal it's time to pull this Luconi into the pit area for some adjustments. Apparently I have a flat tire, and I haven't been reading the warning lights. I'm tending to ignore those flashing lights because I'm too busy looking at the next turn in the track.
In my mind, I have needed to convince myself this car will win the race. I have been working hard to find the correct balance of sleep, exercise and food that helps me operate at peak capacity. The outside design of the car is turning into a classic but well designed model. The driver on the inside is convinced she will win the race because she's running on heart and well conceived plan. And the driver also gets that a winning car is only as great as its pit crew. This past year I've gone a long way in building that crew for myself. I think it's the only thing that's kept me on the track.
I've got a whole lot of laps left until this race is over. So until then, this shiny red Luconi will pull over to the fueling station, change her tires, and rest up until tomorrow. When the alarm goes off early announcing it's time to hit the gym, the engine will be ready to fire again.
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