My kids like to refer to me as a badass. I think they mostly say that because it suggests a bad word. Sometimes they say "bad donkey" so they don't get in trouble when they say it. It makes me laugh, because I don't truly think that I am that tough, but they have learned I can handle quite a bit before I reach a breaking point, so I get why they perceive me that way.
Probably a better descriptor is the word resilient. I feel like I have a pretty decent capability to take a hit and pop right back up, dust myself off, and get right back in the ring. The older I have gotten, the more resilient I have become. I have learned that not everything is my fault. I have learned to take accountability when it is. I have learned when there is failure, it is an opportunity to learn. And that most of all, I have learned I am a hell of a lot stronger than I thought I was. And that's been put to the test a lot over the last little while.
I've also learned, however, that there is a fine line between my fragile eggshell soul and the "badass" or "resilient" armor I've built around it. As resilient as I think I am, every once in a while someone or something will crack the shell. And while I bounce back quickly, to admit it doesn't happen would be lying. Today, it was an email from someone who decided to be an ass. And it really hurt. And it made me sad. And then I did what I have learned to do in more recent, more mature years - I didn't respond. I walked away and didn't engage, because It's just not worth it.
I do not believe in dwelling. I allow myself to feel like crap for about a few minutes, and then I move on. I wish I could avoid that phase altogether, and was tough enough to just not have any emotional reaction to hurtful words or other nonsense, but I suppose that just makes me human.
I've become keenly aware this week I'm a little more "eggshell" than I thought. That's a frustration. And yet, to continue to work on that balance is to continue to grow as a person. I guess that's not all bad.
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