Nietzsche once wrote, "I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you."
If anyone ever suggests that she has never lied, she is lying. We all, at some point in our lives, have lied. Some of us make a regular habit of it. Some of us avoid it at all costs. There are a multitude of reasons why people do it, and it has increasingly become harder for me to tolerate with as I get older. Ever since I had kids, and the words, "we don't lie," escaped my mouth, I paid careful attention to practice what I preached to them. And while that doesn't mean a white lie won't still escape every now and again, I do try to be really mindful about the truthful nature of my comments. And sometimes, I've learned being honest is even harder than lying in the first place. I've found that often times people don't want to hear the truth, no matter how hard you try to soften the blow.
Of course, most lying isn't intended to hurt others.
Sometimes we do it to save face. For example, "OMG, I never got that email!" Which really might mean "No, I had zero interest in going to your lame-ass party, but I had no idea how to get out of it." How about a short response, without the graveling? "I'm so sorry, I won't be able to attend, have a wonderful time!" should do the trick. I'd rather someone just be straight with me, rather than totally blow me off.
We also do it to avoid looking like the bad guy. "I'm so sorry, it wasn't my decision," is a frequent one I hear at work. Why does that happen? Are we afraid to take responsibility for our own actions? Are we concerned we won't be liked or accepted? Think about how you'd feel if the situation was turned around and you were the boss being thrown under the bus in that situation. I'd rather people own it, take some responsibility for their actions, and live with the consequences.
People also lie to avoid confrontation. Like, "Mom, I was at my friend's house studying ALL night…really." When we know you were really out scamming cute boys at the local Orange Leaf with your girl friends because to be honest would mean facing parental disappointment for lying and the punishment that follows.
People lying to get what they want. Want to see this in action? Walk into a college bar on Saturday night at midnight when everyone is drunk and sloppy. Everyone is telling each other what they want to hear in hopes of having a warm body to head home with. Umm, I don't think that stops after college, but I guess it depends where you are hanging out.
People lie to protect others. But are the really? Think of the miserable husband who is doing destructive things to his marriage. Ok, things happen, and people grow apart. You know what's worse? Not addressing the core problem for fear of spinning his wife out of control. I have a friend who is in troubled marriage. He refuses to speak to his wife about it because he fears each time he brings up a challenge he thinks they are facing as a couple, she will break down in tears. Perhaps she is overly emotional, or maybe she is manipulating the situation to avoid having a difficult conversation. So they live in a state of misery, denial and lies. I can't think of anything more painful.
And here's the one that concerns me the most. Lying to oneself. Sometimes it's benign, like "I have really only gained about ten pounds since high school…I'm still pretty healthy" when the reality is you've actually gained thirty and you are starting to face health concerns. And sometimes it's far more concerning. Like if you are having serious financial problems, or dire health issues and you are too paralyzed with fear to take action. Or, maybe, just maybe, you are lying about how happy you are with your life. I've learned through a lot of conversations over the past year that many people are, and just don't know how to do anything about how to change that. So it's easier to say to yourself, "Sure, I'm pretty happy." Because to admit to yourself that you aren't is really, really sad if you aren't going to do anything to fix it or don't know how to and you've got a long life ahead of you.
Lying takes many forms, and happens for many reasons, and I am sure I only captured a few of them. I do my best to avoid doing it, because I hate it being done to me. The people I am closest to are those I trust the most. These people never need to lie to me to spare my feelings or for any other reason. There is trust because there is a proven track record of having each other's backs and no-bulls*it; if there is conflict, we deal with it. I've learned it's one of the traits I crave most in my relationships with people. And with myself.
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