Someone sent me the word "perfection" this morning to write about. I love this word choice. I love it, because I think the older I get, the more I have realized it doesn't it exist. It's one of those few things in which its relevance hasn't declined as a result of my increased cynicism. I truly believe to attempt "perfection" is approach life with a inflexible view, and to try to achieve something that just truly doesn't happen. And it shouldn't.
Without telling them why I was asking today over lunch, I asked my daughters and my parents what perfection meant to them. I received some pretty insightful answers. To my youngest, she responded with "beauty pageants." When I probed on why, she said those little girls are trying so hard to look perfect, and do perfect routines, just to win a crown. She went on to suggest that they aren't perfect; even if they win, they are total brats behind the scenes. They just look good because they work really hard to be perfect on stage. (Note: this perspective comes from her watching way too much Toddlers and Tiaras, and is not suggesting that all pageant kids are brats. And now I need to monitor even more closely what the hell she is watching.)
My older daughter shared a perspective not surprising for her middle school years. In her mind, perfection is what everyone tries to achieve - with grades, with clothes, with looks, with popularity, with activities - and will never achieve. It's never good enough. There is so much pressure to excel at everything, you feel like you can never be "get there," no matter how hard you try. She hasn't yet learned you don't try to be "perfect" at everything going on in your life.
And my parents answered very simply, with the wisdom that comes with their experience. "There is no such thing."
I have never been a perfectionist. Anyone who reads my Experiment and finds my daily grammatical errors can see that. I believe in doing my best. And then incrementally doing better each time after that. For me, the idea of perfection leaves no room for improvement. No continuous learning. And I just fundamentally don't believe in that.
Yes, perhaps an athlete can have a "perfect" game or routine. Or an individual can give a perfect speech. There might be perfect moments in time. But perfection in and of itself is incredibly limiting. When I hear people say, "I am a perfectionist," what I really hear is "I am incredibly inflexible. I have an ideal in my mind of how I want things to be, and that is what I will achieve." And I have no doubt they will work incredibly hard to achieve that.
Here's the thing though…it's how they perceive perfection. I may not view it through the same lens. So if Martha Stewart, famed perfectionist, set the loveliest Thanksgiving table and I was invited to her home, I may see and appreciate how much work she had gone to create the meal. But if I refused to eat the turkey that she raised herself, killed, and cooked, because I'm a vegetarian, how successful was she really? In my mind, she might of created the perfect Thanksgiving feast, but if she didn't take the time to understand the dietary needs of her guest, it's not so perfect for me.
People who proudly label themselves as "perfectionists" often work so hard to achieve insane goals for themselves, and then fall into depression when it fails to happen. We've seen examples of this insanity pay off big for all of us; like Steve Job's perfectionist behavior and its affects on Apple products. And we've seen the negative side too; we've all known someone who misinterprets the beauty ideal of perfection and ends up anorexic as a result.
Try as we might, there is no such thing as flawless. We put far too much pressure on ourselves to achieve that which is unachievable. That does not mean, however, we should give up. Striving for big goals and high performance standards is phenomenal. But it's all about balance. Knowing what's healthy, and what's not for you. When you start to see negative or depressed behavior as a result of you not meeting your goals, it might be time to reassess. You might be have struck the right balance if you are continually pushing yourself to do better, and remaining self-judgment free. Or at least not completely beat the crap out of yourself.
So while others try for perfection, I'll continue to keep achieving my best. And then bettering that with each further attempt, learning along the way. For me, it's a far more sane - and realistic - way to live.
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