It's been a long week. Hell, it's been a long year. And last night, for the first time since I started this experiment (minus the break where I stopped it for a bit altogether) I just could not find the energy to write. I had gone to dinner, and then gone to bed. And I'll admit, I woke up at several points throughout the night beating myself up because I had failed myself.
Did I though? This is MY experiment. The only person I am accountable to is me. I'm not being graded. It's not my job, and no one is relying on it. At best, a few people follow along and follow my words. As I have realized, again and again since I have started this, I am slightly more intense that I had originally realized. I wonder why I am much more laid back with those I work with, but hold a different bar for myself. For example, one woman on my team has been working on a project we would have liked to have done a few days ago. She asked if she could have it done by Monday. It didn't even occur to me to say anything other than "of course." Because it's not a big deal. Unless it's something critical, there is always room to be fairly flexible. Unless it's me doing it. Then I put the pressure on myself.
So I ultimately decided to test myself and just put it aside for one night. Not just to give myself a break, but to test myself if I am actually capable of letting the pressure value off. And while I can, I'll learn it's pretty damn hard for. I mean, I ruined my sleep for the night over it.
So I've decided that while my high intensity personality has been an asset in many cases, it's pretty lame in cases like this. So as I enter into 2014, I have already chosen one resolution I will actually work hard to stick to. I'm going to attempt to tone my Type A+ personality down to an A-.
Wish me luck with that.
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