Day 156 of The 365 Day Experiment. Focus on The Big Picture, Not The Day.

I stood in line in a way-too-long Dunkin Donuts line this morning, eager for my first cup of coffee to jump start my first day back after Thanksgiving break.  I stood in front of two girls talking about one their upcoming nuptials.  At the rate this girl was bitching about everyone and everything, I quickly determined she was what was in mind when the word “bridezilla” was coined.  The way she was throwing her guy under the bus, I dare suggest it sounded like she wasn’t even that fond of him.  It sounded like she was in it for the wedding, not the marriage.

I stood, passively listening.  It was hard not to - everyone two or three deep in the line on either side could hear them talking.  I wanted badly to turn around and say something, but it was not my place.  But if I had, it would have sounded something like this.

There is a big difference between a wedding and marriage.  A wedding is a day of celebration.  And yes, it costs money and you want everything to be perfect, but embrace the fact that it won’t be - because not everything in your marriage will be perfect; nothing in life is. And you should learn that early.

You are a team.  If you plan the wedding all by yourself, and leave your fiancé out of it, you are setting the course for your future relationship.  Sure, he may not give a s*it about what color napkins are on the tables, but there are likely plenty of things he likely does care about.  And you should talk about that up front and include him in the process.  Because it is both of your wedding, not just yours.

And you should tackle those hard conversations about weird relatives and who to invite and not invite, because those are going to be the easy conversations during the course of your life together.   When you start discussing how to raise your children, or how to budget your finances, or how to transition through life stages together, it becomes much more complex. 

You really shouldn’t give a crap about what toe nail polish your bridesmaids want to wear.  Is anyone really going to be looking at their feet?  Your friends are standing up for you and spending a lot of money to participate in your special day.  Treat them with respect and kindness - you would want the same.   And with luck, these are the dear friends and family that you will count on when you are in the hospital when you are having your second child and you need someone to call in the middle of the night to watch your first.  Or when you are diagnosed with cancer and they are the ones who lovingly look after your family with meals and carpools.  

Yes, girlfriend, I hope you have a beautiful wedding.  But don’t be so short-sighted.  At the end of the day, marriage is about what you accomplish together over the long haul.  Not about sweating the details of a singular day.