As I've begun to do whenever I get a bout of writer's block, I reach out to a friend and ask for them to provide me with word. Any word. Tonight, I reached out to a male friend of mine. He chose the word "intimacy." Ironic choice for a number of reasons. The most obvious being that when I pinged him, I was standing in a long line at CVS waiting to pick up a prescription. His word popped up on my phone, just as I was stopped in line in front of the "intimacy" products...with my youngest daughter at my side asking "what's a con-dome?" Love those questions. QUICK SIDEBAR: Her previous one came while we were in Italy in August, staring at a bunch of amazing statues.
Older daughter: "I can't believe Michelangelo carved this!"
Younger daughter: "Why are all the statues naked, and why do they all have such small wieners?"
Going through my head: "How incredible that I have an older daughter who is truly appreciating this experience. And why the hell does my 10 year old have a point of view on "wiener" size?!"
But I digress...
The other reason the word intimacy struck me as ironic was because it was chosen by someone who I shared one of the most unscripted intimate moments of the past year with. The context: he's just a friend. And we had met up in Boston one night, sharing stories and hanging out. And as we did our tour of dive bars around the Back Bay, we stood up and danced to an old favorite song - a slow one. No words were exchanged. Just two people, caught up in a moment. It was a pretty magical few minutes. Ultimately, it was intimate.
The word intimacy usually gets tossed around with a sexual connotation. And yet, at its core, it is so much more than that. Of course, certainly, if two people connect in that way, it can certainly be considered incredibly intimate, but sex in and of itself isn't. In some cases, it isn't at all. And yet, while you can define intimacy into both physical and emotional buckets, the physical piece of it is all driven by the emotional if you think about it. At the end of the day, it's all about trust and communication. How well you can communicate and get comfortable sharing is at the heart of it all. With friends, family, children, etc. But in the physical sense, how well you are able to communicate your desires, your dislikes, your boundaries, exclusivity, etc. the better off you are. I've always been amazed that people have no problem getting naked with each other - literally baring themselves to their rawest self physically - but fear being able to say what's on their mind to their naked partner. Really? Is it fear of being judged? Fear of rejection? I have to believe if the person standing before you is willing to get naked with you, they are probably willing to hear you out. Doesn't mean they will go for it, but there is a probably a good chance they will at least listen. And at least in my mind, it's not worth getting naked for someone if you don't have the intention of becoming emotionally intimate with that person.
Intimacy is ultimately the close or familiar relationship with another person or group. So it could reference the bond we share with our spouse, or our children, or our closest friends and family. It is the state we reserve for those who we truly open ourselves up to. That is, if we choose to open up.
Intimacy takes on so many different forms with different people in our lives. With our families, for better or worse, it often becomes a compilation of a lifetime of shared stories and experiences. If you are fortunate enough to have a close family, these are the people who are your go-to's...the ones you know truly have your back. The people that the expression "blood is thicker than water" was created for.
With our children, intimacy takes a completely different turn. I don't know any parent who truly embraces the role who does not cherish the intimate moments they share with their children. They take advantage of building those deeply personal relationships, and honing them to the best of their abilities. It doesn't mean every parent nails it, but I don't know a parent alive who doesn't value the opportunity to try.
With friends, it's all in the trust and amount of effort. Some people this comes tremendously easy for. They are able to become intimate with a large group and give and take with ease. For others, myself included, it is much harder to let your guard down and let people in. Perhaps the individual has been hurt before, or maybe just doesn't believe in sharing so they fail to build intimate relationships.
What i've learned over the past 129 Days is that if you put yourself out there, no matter what individual or group you are interacting with, you need to make a choice. For quite a long period of time, I operated from a place of being quite guarded and what I suppose you could describe as having "intimacy issues." I mean seriously, if you aren't sharing details about what goes on in your head with your husband, best friends and parents, you probably have some issues. And I get it. I know how I got there and what caused it. And I am really sorry to my friends, because they did nothing to have me pull back as much as I did. But as this experiment has hopefully begun to prove, I am certainly am attempting to make up for lost time. Yes, I understand cyber-world isn't the same as the reality of a real-life relationship...but it's a start. And I feel like I've allowed myself to become intimate with a whole lot of people over the past 1/3 of a year.
Ultimately, intimacy is about overcoming your fears and insecurities and filling your heart with trust, warmth and compassion. Enough to drive close, meaningful relationships with others. One needs to learn how to communicate well, but also be self-aware enough to know not just what he/she is communicating, but how the other person needs to be communicated to to build that trust. Intimacy is a two-way street; it can't just work for one person. It must work for both parties to truly thrive.
Obviously, I'm no expert. If someone had asked my about this topic two years ago, I probably would have said "of course I have an intimate relationship with my husband...and my friends...and xxx. (fill in the blank.) But I would have been wrong. I have learned the hard way (by writing every single day and interacting with all of you) that intimacy is hard work for someone like me. You can't be intensely private and build meaningful, intimate relationships - because you ultimately aren't letting anyone into your head, heart and world.
If yesterday's Day 128 post was any indication, however, my newfound ability to share a little more and begin to trust in others has paid off. When you give you get back even more than you ever expected. And that has bolstered all the other "real" relationships in my life. I'm extraordinarily grateful for that lesson learned.
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