Today was the day. 14 months and 2 days after my husband left our home, he is no longer my husband.
This morning we stood together in a courthouse and with the one final nail in the coffin of our marriage, it was over. 17 years and 1 day of living together, gone in the course of a five minute session with a judge. I thought I had prepared myself well, but really, how does one prepare herself for a moment like that? Your wedding day is one of the most significant moments of your life, typically shared by everyone meaningful to you. Typically this joyous occasion occurs in a carefully chosen venue with every detail planned to your liking. Your divorce day, on the other hand, takes place in the sterile environment of a courtroom. It’s a sad moment, which will also be etched into your brain forever. Unlike your wedding day, this event is shared with complete strangers awaiting their own turn in front of the judge to say their own farewells. The details of this moment are also planned carefully, but have been negotiated and likely hard fought over in even the most civil of separations. The differences between the beginning and ending of a marriage struck me hard today.
I ran through about every emotion I could imagine today. Strength as I hugged my children goodbye this morning. They had no idea where I was headed; why burden them with the knowledge? Intense sorrow as I entered the courthouse and laid eyes on my soon to be ex-husband. Gratitude as the two of us sat together, lawyer-less, and chatted while we watched numerous other couples file in and take opposite sides of the courtroom with their lawyers. Happiness when the judge told us that after reading our agreement that we seemed to work well together as a team, and she was really happy to see that. And once she wished us the very best and sent us on our way, complete and utter sadness. We walked from that courtroom, hugged each other tight, and burst into tears.
I am grateful it is behind me. I suppose one could say closure is good, and that part of my life is officially now behind me. It never will be really though. He will always be the father of my children, and he will always play a role somehow. He has moved on - way on - with his life. I am glad he is happy. I am glad I am happy. I am sad we are happier without each other than we were together. That bit sucks.
The funny part of all of this is that E and I never knew for sure if we were ever truly married. We had taken our vows in Florence, Italy, and had done so with their antiquated system of handwritten scrolls and log books. I have a stamp on a now wrinkled piece of parchment that was handed to us as proof of our union, but we never filed it in the United States. We’ve been told by lawyers and accountants that because we’ve filed joint returns all these years we are technically married here, but there is something in the back of my head that tells me it was never recognized here. Wouldn’t that be entertaining, to have gone through all these hoops and financial gates only to find out we both could have walked away with far more grace?
I’m excited for the next chapter. I love the fact that I have no idea what’s coming next. One of the downsides of marriage, that rigor of being with the same person day after day after day is gone. I get a fresh start. I have the responsibilities of raising two kids and a big job, but I answer to myself. I love that, at least for now.
My children ask me frequently if I ever see myself married again. Candidly, I don’t. I’d love to meet someone; I miss the teamwork component of marriage. I don’t need the validation of a piece of paper though. And I’ve already started figuring out who can pull the plug on me should the need arise, so I’ve got that part covered now.
Of course I allowed myself some tears today. To not be sad would have not been human. But that’s behind me now. It’s time for a healthy dose of fearlessness…and that’s one of the few things I think I’m actually pretty good at. Enough of this sad bullshit. I’m ready to rock.
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