I suffer from too much future thinking.
It is nearly impossible for me to not think several steps ahead. While I learned early on in my life there is no black and white plan that can ever be constructed (or at least one that can be lived out that way), it has served me well to be forward thinking. If I can anticipate what potentially what might be faced ahead, good or bad, you can create solutions and contingency plans to supplement. And while that works really well at work, it doesn’t always translate well to living in the moment in my personal life.
I dance this carefully choreographed dance between attempting to make smart choices for my future and trying to suck the life out of each day and appreciate it for what it is.
I try to some way to ensure each day comes with an experience and some joy; even the mundane days. I never miss a chance to let those people in my life know that I truly love them, because you never know if it might be the last time. I aim to put my head to the pillow each night and think to myself, “I made this day count.”
And yet, when I am left alone to consider these days I am living, and add up the experiences I am having, I cannot help but wonder if my bar is raised high enough. And this, I frequently consider, might be my downfall.
Who the hell am I to have such a high bar? I have created such a high one for myself that I understand why I often feel alone in the world. I am living a life that appears unsustainable to others, and yet I’ve been pulling it off for over twenty years and I make it work for me. The person I was once married to suggested I would never be truly happy. And oddly, though I find myself happy every single day, am concerned perhaps he was right. Happy might not be the right word though. “Satisfied” might be more appropriate.
It’s because of the balancing act. I have created this life for myself, which is filled with people I care about, a career that I love, and the freedom I needed that manifests itself in a host of different ways. And yet when it comes down to it, I feel like there is always that internal pressure I put on myself that I can always make each individual day better. Make those experiences better. Make my life ever better than it already is. Which I understand sounds crazy because my life is already pretty great.
To have this discussion with people is to further alienate myself. I know of only one person who understands this internal dilemma, and I am grateful I am not alone in that dialogue. But I ask no one else to understand. I realize that in thinking this way, I may sabotage some of the very best things that are in the moment. But there are some things we just can’t change about ourselves.
So I will continue to work hard on the balance. I will continue to focus on being in the moment, and at least in my personal life not try too hard to think about my future. I’ve got a lot of life left to live. And perhaps if I can truly make every day count, the future will just take care of itself.
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