I love P!nk. Not just for her amazing acrobatic circus-themed performances and her badass persona, but for her cut-you-to-the-core lyrics.
And as I sat in traffic tonight pondering what I would write about, her song "Try" came on the radio. It hit me hard, as I was thinking about "trying" last night.
Almost a year ago, I thought jumping back into the dating world after 18+ years with someone was going to brutal. For some reason, I thought getting naked with someone for the first time with someone new was going to be the hardest part. Turns out, that was the easiest.
It's odd, to go from being part of a team for so long, to all of a sudden being on your own. I was confident in my role as part of a couple. And that disappeared. And then I regained that confidence operating on my own. Like P!nk, I felt like I had been doing a a trapeze act, but all of a sudden no one was there to catch me. For a while, I felt like I was dangling high above the crowd, still performing, and just waiting to crash to the ground.
And now, I am faced with realizing what it really means to get up and try. I talk a good game about being fearless. Now I need to really be fearless.
Fearless isn't about jumping out of a plane. Fearless isn't about making decisions that affect other people's careers. Fearless isn't about taking a deep breath every morning before you face the day and telling yourself you can actually pull the chaos off that you are attempting to balance yet another day. It turns out for me being truly fearless means being willing to put my heart out on the line again and let someone else in.
And I'm really trying. I cannot let a divorce write the script for the rest of my love life. Instead, I will remind myself to smile at great memories from that past. I will cherish the incredible tangible results of that union in the form of our wonderful daughters. And I will toughen up and allow myself to love again.
Because life is too short not to love. And not to try.
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