Nietzsche once wrote, "I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you."
If anyone ever suggests that she has never lied, she is lying. All of us, at some point in our lives, have lied. Some of us make a regular habit of it. Some of us avoid it at all costs. Most of us fall somewhere in between.
There are a multitude of reasons why people do it, and I have recently realized that it has become increasingly harder for me to accept as I get older. Ever since I had kids, and the words "It's not okay to lie," escaped my mouth, I have paid careful attention to practice what I preached to them. And while that doesn't mean a white lie won't still escape every now and again (as in, "no, I actually don't like that outfit, but you do, and that's all that really matters") I do try to be really mindful about the truthful nature of my comments. And yes, sometimes I pay the harsh price for that honesty.
Of course, most lying isn't intended to hurt others. And while I am no expert, I have put in some time this afternoon thinking about why people lie so often.
Sometimes we do it to save face. For example, "OMG, I never got that email!" Which really might mean "No, I had zero interest in going to your lame party, but I had no idea how to create a good excuse to get out of it." How about a short response, without the graveling? "I'm so sorry, I won't be able to attend, but I hope you have a wonderful time!" should do the trick. I'd rather someone just be straight with me, rather than totally blow me off.
We also do it to avoid looking like the bad guy. "I'm so sorry, it wasn't my decision," is a frequent one I hear in work situations. Why does that happen? Are we afraid to take responsibility for our own actions? Are we concerned we won't be liked or accepted? Think about how you'd feel if the situation was turned around and you were the boss being thrown under the bus in that example. Own it, take some responsibility for your actions, and live with the consequences.
People also lie to avoid confrontation. This one personally kills me. "I love that idea, we're just going to put it off until we have more bandwidth in Q2." Come on, no you aren't. It's a stupid idea, and you've just given the person hope and prolonged the inevitable. Just be straight - you are doing no one a favor by not being straight from the start.
People lying to get what they want. They might lie to get a day off of work ("My child is sick") or a child lying about how many pages they read in required reading book at school. Anyway you slice it, you are rationalizing it. ANd maybe it works short term. However, at the end of the day, lying to get what you want is definitely not the way to win friends and influence people.
People who lie to protect others. But are the really? Think of the miserable husband who is doing destructive things to his marriage. Ok, things happen, and people grow apart. You know what's worse? Not addressing the core problem for fear of spinning his wife out of control. Let's use my friend who is in horrible marriage. He refuses to speak to his wife about it because each time he brings up a challenge he thinks they are facing as a couple, she breaks down in tears. He then backs away from the conversation because he hates seeing her in pain. Perhaps she is manipulating the situation, because she doesn't want to hear the bad news. It doesn't really matter why it's happening - the result is that they now live in a state of misery, denial and lies. I can't think of anything more painful to a marriage. Rip the band-aid off. Take the pain, and keep it real.
And here's the one form of lying that concerns me the most. While lying to others often can cause damage, lying to oneself can be so life stunting. Sometimes it's benign, like "I have really only gained about five pounds since high school…I'm still pretty healthy" when the reality is you've actually gained fifteen. And sometimes it's really serious. Like if you are having serious financial problems, or serious health issues and you are too paralyzed with fear to take action. It's often so hard to look in the mirror and be honest with one's self about your own reality. And yet, I don't think I've ever met anyone in my life who have ever regretted doing so once they've dealt with that initial critical first glance.
In thinking about lying while writing this, it seems to me perhaps the old axiom "the truth will set you free" isn't far off. It sure makes life less complicated.
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