I believe in live and let live. And because of that, I tend to open myself to some pretty interesting people and experiences. I love that I’ve done charity work with a royal family, and that I was best man in a famous computer hacker’s wedding. And I love waiting to see what’s behind the next open door.
As I sat stuck in traffic this morning, I pondered the relatively tame year I’ve had. Working and single motherhood hasn’t left me much time to venture out and experience life…or has it, and I just take it for granted? When asked what I’ve been up to, I’m typically met with a WTF response by my friends. As in, how the hell did you end up in that situation, or how did you even meet that person?!
So, as I sat in gridlock along 93 this morning, I recalled a few of my favorite WTF moments of the several months. At least the ones I can share. While I aim to be open through this medium, there is just some stuff I cannot go public with to protect people. But damn, that’s the good stuff.
7. 50 Shades of Something. I got set up with a guy who on paper seemed great. We went out just a few times, before I found out about his “alternative” lifestyle. I sensed something wasn’t quite right by the way he hinted about his sexual interests, but stupid me couldn’t figure it out. I finally blurted out, “Are you trying to suggest there is a ball gag in my future?” Response? ”If I’m lucky.” Game over, pal. Have you met me? What the hell suggests I’m a woman that likes to be dominated? To each his own, but this guy was no Christian Grey. And I am certainly not Anastasia.
6. I’m No Cougar. I got called a cougar by a younger guy a work, and I ripped his head off for it. While it was his attempt at a compliment, it didn’t fly. This happened over a year ago, and the conversation resurfaced again last week. Apparently, after a slew of people joined in the discussion, we learned men and women have different interpretations of what this means. Cougar would have been appropriate if I was on the prowl for guys his age…and believe me, I am past the stage of wanting to teach anybody anything. Let’s get it right people: you refer to the head of HR as a MILF, not a Cougar. Get it right.
5. Fries with That? Got a call as I am boarding an airplane that one of our employees has been arrested for allegedly shooting at a drive by window at fast food restaurant. Seriously? Curly fries not come out fast enough? No worries people. If you don’t know this person or the story then we did a good job - he’s long gone, and we are safe.
4. Being Asked to Join a Threesome. Twice. The first time, I thought I was all special, until I told my male friend what had just happened and he responded “they just asked me five minutes ago.” I guess they cast a pretty wide net. I’m learning that being single = people think you might be open to not-so-standard stuff. Or maybe all this stuff is now the new standard and I’m just so damn old I’m just completely out of what’s popular these days.
3. My Daughter Is Growing Up. Someday she will read this, so I will do my best not to completely embarrass her. Let's just put it this way. When I was 12 and got my period, my mom provided me with the appropriate supplies and let me figure it out. It's not complicated. While in Jamaica and the need to to teach her about tampons arose, let's just say she was looking for a little more help. I will be 95 with Alzheimer's and never get the image out of my head of what the hell went on in that hotel bathroom. Accompanied by Gia banging on the bathroom doing saying "What are you guys doing in there?!" That scenario was NOT in the parenting handbook.
2. Shop is Closed. When I got really sick last month and was out of work for a few days, I got well wishes from a number of co-workers. A lot of “get well soon, let me know if I can do anything to help you out.” Super thoughtful. And then I got one I had to reread a number of times. ”If it would help you get well by impregnating you I’m happy to take one for the team.” This did not come from an idiot 23 year old. This might be my favorite WTF work moment of the year.
1. What The Hell Was I Thinking? Me actually taking the time to write this stuff down and share it publicly. I am staring at about another 3 hours of work tonight, and I’m sitting at my computer typing out crazy moments because I’m committed to getting this done every bloody day for another 2/3rds of a year. Some days I’m inspired, and other days I’m just plain getting it done. Thankfully, today I actually cracked myself up as I thought about the stuff I was writing - and that which was so insane I actually couldn’t write about it.
I’m glad these moments are balanced with some generally “normal” days. But what fun are those?!
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