I’m going to a wedding of a good younger friend later this month. He is young and in love, and his fiancé is a wonderful girl. I truly wish them all the happiness and best wishes in the world. They deserve it, but they will also need it.
Spring marks the beginning of mating season. Engagements are happening, weddings are finally occurring after much planning, and a summer’s worth of weekends are now booked for people in their twenties and thirties. For those who aren’t coupled off, it’s like we become animals when those first flowers sprout. Everyone is sniffing around with a renewed sense of the hunt.
Here’s the thing that troubles me though, when I speak to younger friends about getting married. They seem to spend a whole lot of time talking about the wedding itself. They sweat finding a perfect venue, finding the greatest band, selecting the perfect shade of periwinkle for the bridesmaids' dresses…all important decisions for an important day. But it's a DAY. In talking to so many couples over the years, this seems to be part of the problem. These wonderful young people spend much of their time together planning that perfect memorable event - and not enough time focused on what's even more important. What happens AFTER you are married.
I've been to more than a few weddings over the years where I've scratched my head and said, "do these people even know each other?" Of course, you see the attraction, and you know they have had a blast getting to know each other over the past year or so leading up to the wedding. But if you ask them some basic questions about their life together (and I'm not talking about overly personal, prying questions), it's always amazing to me how much hasn't been discussed yet.
And here's the thing: when you are in your twenties, it makes sense that you haven't discussed some of those things. Sure, maybe you might have agreed on "we think we want two children," but have you discussed your parenting philosophies? Or how much involvement from each other's families in your lives is welcomed and acceptable to you both?
And what about sex? Sure, things are awesome when you first meet, but how about after you've been together for a few years and you need to keep it fresh. Are you both willing to put in the effort there? Are you communicating about what turns you on and off? Or how often you'd like to be intimate?
And conflict. Have you worked through a difficult situation together yet to know how you will approach issues in your relationship? How you will make big decisions together? How you will forgive each other? How you will communicate?
And of course there is money…do you have shared goals? What do you consider "must haves" vs. luxury items? Are you a saver or a spender? How will you make big financial decisions together?
In your twenties, you are figuring yourself out. Most of us don't even have a point of view on how we'd answer these questions for ourselves at this point in our lives, so it's hard to come together and answer them with another person we are choosing to commit our lives to. How can we expect young couples to walk into a marriage and have it set up for success if they don't even truly know themselves yet?
I am pro-marriage. I love the idea of two people joining together an making a life. I'm also a realist. I think the days of marriages like my parents, where people got married in their early twenties and it actually lasting "forever" are exceptionally rare in today's world. Not impossible, but rare.
For everyone in love who is about to make the plunge, my heartfelt congratulations and good wishes. My final words of wisdom from a women who had a mostly great marriage is this - communicate. About everything. This is the person you've chosen to spend your life with. And if you are both figuring out who you are as part of this journey, then that communication becomes all the more critical. You'll only stay connected if you actually connect on what's important to you.
I might suggest "I know myself, what's important to me, and promise to communicate with my spouse" should probably be added to marriage license applications. Just saying.
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