Since moving office locations, I shaved a good twenty minutes off my commute home. Awesome. And being the goal oriented freak that I am, I still play commuter games with myself like turning on the GPS to get the estimated time home and attempting to shorten my time by a few minutes each day. I can’t imagine I’m the only one who sits in traffic day in/day out who doesn’t find creative ways to entertain herself. That example is one of the more benign.
One of my techniques is to jump in the breakdown lane a few moments before you actually reach the sign that tells you the section is open from 4 - 7 pm. It is a cheap thrill to blow by other cars, and it shaves a good minute off. Tonight, however, “breakdown lane” took on a new meaning.
It’s been a bit of an emotional week already. There has been a little bit of challenge on one of my teams to navigate, and it hasn’t gone as smoothly as I hoped. And today at lunch, I confided in a good friend about a personal challenge we both share and a creative way to solve it. I left feeling good about not being off the reservation with my idea, and excited to pursue it further. In the meantime, I’ve crammed in two days worth of meetings and helped Gia prep for her social studies test today. In other words, it’s a normal Tuesday.
And as I drove home tonight, cruising up 93 enjoying the fading sun, John Legend came on the radio. I’m not a fan. I don’t have any reason to dislike him, but he’s like dinner party music to me…nice to have on in the background but you don’t really pay attention to him. Tonight, in the solitude of my car, I paid attention.
His new song “All of Me” is getting a lot of radio play right now, and I’m sure will be danced to at thousands of weddings this summer. And as I listened to the words of the song as I cruised in the breakdown lane, I had a bit of a breakdown. Out of nowhere, the tears just started rolling.
Perhaps it was just a release. I doubt it though. I think I was seriously connecting with the lyrics of that song, and realizing what I am missing in my life. I have so much that I am so grateful for, and yet I feel like a piece of me has been amputated.
Amputees speak of phantom limbs. I sometimes feel phantom marriage. One where I wake up in the morning and forget there is no longer a husband in my bed and a partner in life. And then I walk into my bathroom and see the empty sink and remember that piece has been cut off. And there is no good prosthesis for that. You learn to shift your balance with that missing "limb."
And that stupid song made me face the fact that marriage or no marriage I deeply miss having “my person.” Not just miss having a guy who I care about who I am fortunate enough to have care about me back. I mean "my person." The one who doesn't just fill my time; they fill my soul. I forgot how much I missed that until I heard that song.
There have been some really easy days for me to write, and some days that have been incredibly difficult. Today might be near the top of that list. Not just because it's hard to face the fact you are missing something you know you need when you try to bury that feeling by stay busy with all the other stuff that can occupy a life. But admittedly, far more difficult is writing this and sharing it, knowing that anyone has the opportunity to read it. And while I want nothing more than to hit delete, I chose to write. I do so because to not would be to hide. And I don't hide from anything.
I was grateful that the song came to an end, and I was grateful to Dunkin Donuts for supplying my car with a never ending supply of napkins which I was able to tap into to dry my tears. And as I was smart enough to change the station to find an old Nirvana tune and change my mood immediately, I was left with one thought.
If you build it, they will come.*
*Yes, that's really vague, but I know what it means and I've done enough sharing for the day.
