I sat at lunch today with my daughters, each of us sketching on the back of our paper menus. It is a habit we all have at this restaurant, a neighborhood favorite where the kids are still given crayons though they are too old. We chat and draw while we wait for our food, taking time to show each other our creations before the food arrives.
When bowls of pasta showed up, we began to chat about other habits we have. We each listed ones we are conscious of, and ones we recognize in each other. The girls had no problem sharing their own bad or quirky habits; but when your sister points them out, defensiveness rises quickly to the surface. I attempted to diffuse that immediately. We all have habits; good and bad, I pointed out to them. Whether we are conscious of them is what I want you to pay attention to in this conversation.
Fortunately, there were not a lot of surprises. These are pretty tuned in kids, and we don’t let each other get away with much. We all have bizarre number games we play as habit, which each of us has done for years. Mine has to do with making wishes on a digital clock anytime I see repetitive numbers (2:22, 3:33, 10:10, etc.) One of them has a habit around eating only an even number of M&Ms. It’s the odd stuff you create for yourself that makes you uniquely you.
The big difference between my daughters and myself is that when I am cognizant that I have developed a habit, I typically try to break it. Stupid routines, that have no impact on anyone, but they trouble me when I realize I have fallen into a pattern. I recently determined I had been heading to Dunkin’ Donuts every morning before settling into work…so I stopped going. Now I make coffee at the office, but I am intentionally varying the floors I am making it on just to keep things fresh. It’s a ridiculous example, but it became important to me.
As I tried to explain this to them, I tried to figure out why I do this. I dumbed it down to not being reliant on anything. I think I try to live like an anti-addict. If I don’t become attached to any one thing, than its not a big deal if it goes away. I travel light in that sense, with limited baggage.
Or do I? Do I do this because I make such big bets in other places in my life? Maybe it’s because I commit whole heartedly in places I feel like it really matters. Relationships. Children. Career. Friendship. Family. Perhaps I feel like I put so much energy in here, these are the “habits” not worth breaking. And I have suffered loss in each of these…and it sucks. So perhaps I’ve tried to minimize the feelings of loss by not growing dependent on anything else - even if it’s small.
Wow. How’s that for some self-analysis? And now I’m growing clearer on why I have built up such a wall of Teflon around myself. In writing this, it just became clearer to me that I shun help not because I believe I have something to prove or I want to be completely independent. It’s because I have leaned on others before…and they disappeared. So to go it alone may be hard, but it’s emotionally easier than being let down again.
This is one habit I have to break. What the hell am I trying to prove to myself by switching up where I get my coffee? Where it matters most is where I connect with people and the depth of those relationships. I know I am fully capable of giving. I just now have to be courageous enough to receive.
Perhaps now that I get it, I will be able to break it. I haven’t met one habit yet I can’t crush.
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